In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone who wants to end a yearslong silence between them and their siblings.
In today's Asking Eric column, R. Eric Thomas responds to someone who wants to end a yearslong silence between them and their siblings. I am the oldest of five siblings, all now in our 70s and all professionals.
We grew up blue-collar and “genteel poor.” The problem arises with the jealousy and hatred the others harbor toward me. They spent their lives acquiring pricy trinkets and foreign cars and generally living well beyond their means, while I planned, saved and invested well. I retired comfortably eight years ago and now, with my wife, travel extensively and enjoy life. My siblings bitterly resent this and the painful reality that they can never afford to retire. For some reason they blame me, as if life is a zero-sum game, when all I have ever done is put money in their pockets and never asked for anything in return. It’s late in the day, and I’d like to set matters straight. We stopped speaking 10 years ago. What do you suggest?I’m curious what you mean by “set matters straight.” If what you want is for your siblings to realize the error of their thinking and stop resenting you, you’re likely to remain frustrated. It sounds like you resent them for their resentment, which is totally understandable. But do you also judge them for the way they chose to live? Is this animus a two-way street? You haven’t spoken in a decade, but you write that they resent your happy retired life of the last eight years. How is this information getting to you and what are you doing with it when it does? A way to move forward is to wipe the slate clean . Reach out to them and acknowledge that you’ve had your differences in the past, you wish them well, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your days estranged. Ask them if they’re willing to try again. This means accepting that sometimes you just don’t see eye-to-eye, but no one needs to convince anyone else of anything. If they can listen to you without judgment, and you can do the same, you have something to build on.Asking Eric: I was demoted at work and have no clue whyIf you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation.and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our
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