A biracial woman struggles with her place in her White boyfriend’s family because of their use of racial slurs.
I am a biracial woman in my mid-30s, and I am in an amazing relationship with a new man, who is White. We have been dating for close to a year. I would like our life together to continue to grow.
Our problems are like those of any other young couple who has dealt with family dysfunction, but I am now struggling with his family, particularly their use of racial slurs. They never say them when people of color are around, but in the safety of their home or when playing games online, the slurs come out without any hesitation.
I have reached the point where I do not want to engage with them. I decline game nights and visits because of how disgusted I am with their use of such language and how it makes me feel. I want to continue a relationship with him, but I am struggling with navigating his family, my place and using my voice productively.: Of course you’re struggling when your values are at odds with your actions .
Even if the family’s use of slurs or your boyfriend’s silence about it isn’t a dealbreaker for you, you should still explore what this means for your relationship moving forward. I have more questions than answers to help you reflect deeper on what’s at stake here and what you are okay with.
By choosing to say something now - either to your boyfriend about how he can be an active ally in this or to his family about their inexcusable behavior - you can gain more information on what you’re up against. Then you can figure out if you’re willing and able to endure it. Good luck.Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a mental health professional and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy. She writes a weekly advice column for The Washington Post that also appears on adn.com.
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