She is sick to her stomach over her dad’s decision to leave almost his entire estate to her brother while her and her sisters get very little.
I’m a first-generation Assyrian eldest daughter with four siblings . My parents moved us from Iraq to Canada and, finally, to the United States, where they lived the American Dream. They worked really hard for very little and finally were able to buy their own liquor store. As teens, my sisters and I worked with them for years - sometimes in unsafe conditions . They became more successful and were able to buy additional businesses.
Now we are all adults and our mother passed away five years ago. My brother has continued to work the family businesses, benefiting financially from them. Since our father is now elderly, I asked him what his estate plans were. His answer? My sisters and I get roughly 1 percent value of the estate in cash while our brother gets everything else. To say I was stunned was an understatement.
My mother wanted things equal between all four of us, but my dad and brother took it upon themselves to sign everything over to my brother. My dad’s explanation? Tradition. We were married and no longer his responsibility. All of the work we did in sweat equity didn’t matter to him. I wrote my father a respectful email detailing how my sisters and I helped and how we were still part of the family.
You and your dad firmly believe your perspectives to be fair and true - but are both driven by differing principles. You believe you deserve an equitable share of the family estate because you contributed and are also his child. He believes that as a father he was meant to get his daughters married off to a partner who can support them and pass along his estate to a son who can use it to take care offamily.
Betrayal signifies a deep sense of loss, and to “get over” it, you must acknowledge and honor the loss. Accepting your dad’s limitations or the situation he has put you in doesn’t mean you become passive or resigned, but rather it frees you from constantly trying to change something you can’t. This can help liberate you from what you want to be true, and learn to live in the reality of what is true.Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a mental health professional and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
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