Does “just be yourself” keep you stuck? Learn why authenticity doesn’t mean staying the same, and how personality science supports intentional change.
Just be yourself. It’s some of the most common advice we’re given. And it’s certainly well-intentioned, usually offered to help us feel more at ease in our own skin. In fact, there is so much emphasis on being “authentic” in recent years that acting outside your usual patterns can start to feel untrue to who you are.
As a practicing clinical psychologist, I am a strong advocate for self-acceptance. As a researcher who studies how people intentionally shiftThe question I keep coming back to is this: Is it possible to be authentic while actively trying to change?At first glance, acceptance and change can seem like opposing forces. If you accept yourself as you are, why would you need to change? And if you’re working on self-improvement, doesn’t that imply something is wrong?. It means getting clear on how you tend to think, feel, and act, along with understanding why those patterns may have developed. An example of this type of acceptance might sound like: “It makes sense I’m guarded around others since I’ve been hurt in the past.” Change, on the other hand, is not about rejecting yourself. It’s about evaluating whether your current patterns are aligned with the life you want to build. That might sound like: “Even though being guarded has protected me, it is also keeping me from developing the close relationships I want.”The cultural push for authenticity is a problem because it tips the scale too heavily toward acceptance, leaving little room for growth. The authenticity myth tells us that if something feels natural or comfortable, it must be the real you. And pushing yourself out of your comfort zone? You’re being fake.You stay quiet in meetings because you’ve accepted that you’re “not the visionary type.” In each of these examples, authenticity is actually unwavering loyalty to your default patterns, even if those patterns are keeping you stuck.Personality traits are descriptions of your typical patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. They summarize how you’ve approached the world in the past, but they don’t tell you what you’re capable of in the future. In other words, traits don’t cause your behavior. They just describe what it looked like in the past. And-edge personality science tells us that we can intentionally shift our traits to be better aligned with a life we value. Shifting personality traits means practicing new ways of thinking and behaving, like speaking up sooner, tolerating imperfection, or initiating vulnerability. Of course, when you step outside of your comfort zone like this, it can feel, well, uncomfortable.When that discomfort shows up, it’s easy to retreat to “This just isn’t me” or “I don’t want to be someone I’m not.” But discomfort isn’t evidence that you’re being inauthentic; it’s often evidence that you’re practicing something new.Authenticity is not about preserving your default patterns. It’s about acting in line with what matters most to you, even when doing so requires stretching beyond what feels familiar. You don’t become less yourself when you practice new ways of thinking and behaving. You become more aligned with the version of yourself yourIf you’re curious about how to shift the personality traits that no longer serve you, check out my free masterclass,where I break down the science of intentional personality growth and how you can apply it to your next chapter.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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