We often have self-critical thoughts that follow a bad outcome. But here's what we learn.
Good decision-making doesn't always equal good outcomes.Because many real-life scenarios, especially important ones, contain irreducible uncertainty, that strategy can fall apart. But there are specific lessons we can learn to handle this reality.
Let me tell you a story that illustrates typical thinking patterns and rebuttals. Here's what happened: My car engine died. Cars are not my forte, but my mechanic neighbor had a spare car he'd purchased at auction and was fixing up to sell. I'd need to wait a week for him to finish the repairs, and then I could buy it. I rented a car for a week, and did everything I could to make the process of purchasing the new one go smoothly, but it didn't.I tried to control as many variables as I could to ensure a good outcome. But, on the morning I was supposed to complete the purchase, my neighbor told me he'd found additional problems, and he didn't think the car was a good buy for me. It's pretty typical that no matter how many variables we try to control, and how hard we try to control them, we can't reduce uncertainty to zero. It's inherent in the messiness of life.Lesson 2: A Bad Outcome Doesn't Mean You Made Bad Decisions I'd checked with my neighbor midweek to make sure the car was still looking good. I'd called my insurance about adding the new car to my policy. I'd even made a backup car reservation for an additional week in case the repair process ran long.None of it guaranteed a good outcome.When this car opportunity came up, I had my usual anxious thoughts that it would probably go pear-shaped. I'd assumed,"He's probably going to find things wrong with that very cute car. Of course that's going to happen."It wasn't a case of,"Of course it was going to go wrong." That was always a possibility, but no outcome was a certainty.Right before I returned my rental car, which was due back, I canceled the backup rental reservation I had for the extra week. Since my neighbor was going to pick me up from the rental location, that phone call was when I found out the plan was off, and he didn't think we should buy the car. This left me standing outside with two children, no car, and I couldn't get another reservation at that location. I had to rebook from my phone at another location, and Uber over there. Canceling the reservation when I did was reasonable. Holding onto it till the absolute last minute when there was every reason to believe it wouldn't be needed would have been overkill.I had lots of thoughts along the lines of,"I should never trust anyone else's assessment or predictions." But who wants to live like that? My neighbor said the car was good. That was legitimate information to act on. His honesty in pulling the plug validates that trust, since he could have sold a lemon.Another self-critical thought that rolled through my mind was that I should've spent the week researching alternative cars so I wasn't back to square zero. That might've helped me feel more in control, but in most scenarios, it would've been wasted effort.than it had to. Once I'd picked up the new rental, I did as many of our usual Saturday activities as were still possible, so my kids and I could use that familiarity as a way toMany articles about uncertainty are abstract, but most of us can't learn that way. We need granular stories, with distinct psychological moments where common thinking patterns occur, and fixes can be applied. Use my example as a template to structure your own examples that make the antidotes the most memorable for you. The best stories to learn from are the ones that successfully convince you to believe your rebuttals.Find an Anxiety TherapistSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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