Anger, used to hide the perfectionist’s flaws and insecurities, pervades almost every facet of perfectionism, despite it sabotaging their relationships and achievements.
Perfectionists often enter treatment to become their ideal selves yet struggle with revealing their flaws.perfectioniststhen we can, arguably, think of perfectionism as a form of masking, of social protection.
Deeper, most perfectionists wish to do more than just mask; they strive to become completely different people.is self-disclosure and acceptance, likely even more difficult than change. Perfectionists enter treatment to better align with their ideal selves. Chronically fatigued by endless masking, a good number of them wish to become who they pretend to be, something the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates recommended as well. While that is seemingly a reasonable aspiration, their needs are buried but never forgotten. Perfectionists tend to present as independent, self-assured, and driven. They disdain anything weak, needy, and, most important, human. Therapy then becomes another aid for self-delusion while having others anticipate them. They wish to be cared for while maintaining the image and, perhaps more important,They want to not think too deeply about their place in the world and take for granted their specialness. They want to see and judge weakness in others while blinding themselves to their hypocrisy. Again, they want to become their masks while vaguely knowing that that sort of image can be supported only if others quietly do their jobs, placing the perfectionist at the center of their lives. To admit that you’re angry with yourself for having needs, for needing help, and even for being fraudulently independent is the first step in fixing your relationships and your orientation to work. Next, you’ll be asked to acknowledge how choosing that specific partner and that specific job aided your sense of self, and why each may be unsustainable for you in their current forms. Somewhere in all of this, you’ll be asked to explore the validity of your understanding of weakness and need and whether the two are inextricably linked.What if your partner wants to help you? What if your needs aren’t burdens? What if others won’t judge you as they support you? What if you aren’t, in any meaningful way, competing with anyone but yourself? Lastly, what if you have to accept that some part of you resembles a parent whom you believed to be unworthy of respect? Since parents are often mirrors into our worst parts, we also sometimes project onto them our anger toward ourselves, justifying it by their failures.Due in large part to black-and-white thinking, we often exaggerate our parents’ flaws while deluding ourselves into believing we’re superior. “No one wants to be weak” is the perfectionist’s refrain, yet their understanding of weakness is highly flawed—every need is perceived as symbolizing immense weakness. Every flaw is disqualifying. And every imperfection is denied. Whatever weakness or vulnerability means, to the perfectionist, should probably not be taken too seriously. This is probably whatNext time you catch yourself being angry at someone else or even yourself, you may ask:Greenaway, R., Howlin, P. Dysfunctional Attitudes and Perfectionism and Their Relationship to Anxious and Depressive Symptoms in Boys with Autism Spectrum Disorders.Find an Anxiety TherapistSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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