Years into grief, you might still find joy just out of reach, but maybe it's time to accept what is today without letting the memories of the past pull you down.
It may surprise you that I still attend grief support more than five years in. To be honest, it surprises me too. I keep thinking I’ll leave the group , but then I check in one more time and invariably hear something so helpful that I am compelled to continue.
The thing is, grief is perpetually evolving. We mostly picture those early, crippling, sobbing days and years, but when that terrible phase passes, we still face new challenges, one after another. Losing a spouse affects every corner of life. Surprisingly, I have only recently come to understand the extent to which I must rebuild my life andI checked in a little late to this Zoom support group, which is specifically for people who have been grieving for a while. At that moment, a woman I like and respect, who lost her spouse about the same time I lost Tom, was talking about her struggle to feel joy. She identified herself as a “do-er”—she has not let grief slow her down, and she stays busy—but finds that she never feels the level of joy she did when her wife was alive.This is exactly what has been on my mind these days: the struggle to feel truly happy even when everything is going just fine. I feel as though, as I said to my therapist recently, misery is my brand. I have a nice life. A nice house. A couple of knucklehead dogs I adore. Lots of friends. Work I enjoy. But I’m not as happy as I think I should be.But what if that question doesn’t matter?What if, David Kessler asked, this is just who you are now? What if this is who we all are? What if trying to be more joyful is not the answer? What if the answer is to stop grasping for more joy and just feel what we feel? Nothing kills the potential for joy faster, he pointed out, than wondering why we don’t feel more. Okay, in some ways, this is not what we want to hear, that this shadow of sadness is just part of who we are now. But in a way, it is also reassuring: it is permission to stop fighting and striving and simply be. Be right there, in the moment—whatever the moment is bringing—because whatever that is is exactly right. A moment is perfect only when we don’t try to make it something it is not.when it comes to our emotions. “Should” is just an idea we have each invented for ourselves that serves no useful purpose. “The only thing that can go wrong with this moment is a thought,” David said. The thought that the moment Let that sink in a moment, because as profound as it is, it was just the prelude to what really struck deep in my heart later in the session, when another group member quoted David from another time, saying:It activates in the moments when we feel the small tickle of joy, pulling us out of the present and back to the past. It makes us remember that we were happier before, that our loved one is gone, that they are missing what is bringing us joy, and that they will never be with us again. It drags us out of perfectly good moments in the present to remind us of everything we miss from the past.I’m not sure there is any cure for this beyond awareness and some brain retraining. David suggests that if you hold any beliefs about an afterlife, instead of thinking about how your lost loved one is missing the moment of joy, think about sharing it with them. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful sunset with me. Thank you for teaching me to cook this delicious dish. Have I got the goofiest dogs you’ve ever seen?and now is gone. There are times when sitting in your grief is appropriate and helpful, but then there are times, if we are to have any hope of future joy, when we want to be in the here and now. We miss our loved ones, we miss our old lives, and we always will, but learning not to sacrifice now to then is one of the challenges of grief as it evolves.Cut-offs cut deep and wide, their emotional impact reverberating far beyond the combatants. Because much of the suffering is hidden, repair is challenging for everyone, not least of all therapists.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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