How self-erasure in friendships creates a pattern of internal and external reinforcement that leads to loneliness instead of connection.
Sophia was a good friend. She was always trying hard to be a good friend, anyway, focused only on how she could be more helpful, more caring, more"there." To her friends, old and new alike, she was ever-attentive, reliable, and endlessly accommodating; she remembered birthdays, would stay up all night for friends in crisis, and constantly put aside her own wants, needs, andto meet the needs of those around her, even at her own peril.
However, despite trying to be a good friend, she often felt an underlying and persistent sense ofthat she struggled to explain. Sophia, as it turns out, wasn't giving herself to her friendships; she was abandoning herself inSelf-abandonment is the chronic tendency to override one’s own needs, boundaries, preferences, and emotional experiences in order to meet a goal like maintaining a connection or belonging to a group. While it can be mistaken for kindness by others and indeed the person abandoning themselves in relationships, self-abandonment is fundamentally a disconnection from the self, which is done with a particular goal in mind. In Sophia’s example, and in the experience of others who identify as being"the good friend" despite inner feelings of loneliness, that goal is the preservation of relationships. For Sophia, for instance, staying up all night for a friend going through a breakup despite having work the next morning and needing to be present for her own relationship exemplifies ignoring her own needs and erasing healthy boundaries in favor of being a “good friend” to someone in need.As many psychological tendencies surrounding relationships, self-abandonment is rooted in the ways we attached to our caregivers as infants. People who have anxious or disorganizedstyles who were cared for with inconsistency, criticism, or withdrawal may have adapted by prioritizing others’ needs over their own. Over time, this creates an internal working model where belonging to a friend, partner, or group is achieved only through self-suppression.In adult friendships, self-abandonment often presents in ways that are socially reinforced. For instance, individuals who have the tendency to self-abandon may play the role of the “reliable” friend, becoming a shoulder to cry on and someone who is always available. They may enjoy playing this role and feel comfortable continuously over-giving, until the personal cost becomes apparent. As the relationship progresses, the person who self-abandons has already established a pattern of having difficulty with boundary-setting, avoiding conflict, and being reticent to express their own needs or preferences, and may increasingly feel under-supported, taken for granted, or lonely. While they may feel this way, they find it difficult to identify or articulate these feelings, and may find voicing them to their friends insurmountable. Perhaps this is because on a deeper level, they recognize the asymmetry in the relationship andThe real trouble with self-abandoning in relationships, however, is that it limits the depth of connection because self-abandonment rarely allows forin relationships, which is essential in a meaningful relationship. Instead, the"good friend" plays a role of what a good friend would do, instead of acting authentically and being seen and accepted for who they truly are. Part of the problem here is that people who tend to self-abandon also may experiencearound asserting their own needs, fueled by worry about being seen as difficult and subsequently rejected. Added together, this creates a reinforcement loop where the more one self-abandons, the more the performance of a"good friend" fuels the relationship, and the more their self-abandonment is rewarded by believing or being told they are a good friend. Therefore, instead of the relationship existing on the mutual connection of authentic selves, the relationship persists on one-sided over-giving, and the lonelier and further unseen the"good friend" feels.Addressing self-abandonment does not require abandoning relationships, but rather recalibrating them and becoming gradually tolerant of your own boundary-setting and disappointing others. As change generally occurs through small but consistent shifts, one way to start moving toward self-loyalty is to start small: Notice the moments you over-give and how you feel. Is it joy or is it regret? When overriding your own needs, negative emotions generally arise. Working with a therapist can further help you identify preferences, limits, and internal cues that may have been previously minimized. Once you begin recognizing your boundaries and preferences, expressing them in the relationship, like where to meet and what to do, can help break down the tendency to self-abandon, and introducing pause sentences, like"let me think about that," for requests can offer space to consider yourself first, and move toward relationships of mutual connection. While some relationships may strengthen with the cessation of self-erasure and the start of genuine self-expression, others may suffer, but building genuine connections by caring for yourself as much as another may be well worth that price.The Friend EffectSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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