Advice from Annie Lane.
My husband, “Tom,” and I raised our children, worked hard and finally reached that stage where life felt calmer. We downsized, paid off most of what we owed and talked about traveling, volunteering and enjoying a quieter home.
Then everything changed. Last year, our daughter, “Nicole,” hit a wall. I won’t share all her business, but there were issues with addiction and an unstable relationship. One night she called crying, and by the next morning, our two grandkids, “Sophie” and “Mason” , were standing in our hallway with trash bags of clothes and wide eyes that looked far older than they should. At first it was supposed to be temporary. “Just until your mom gets back on her feet,” everyone said. We believed that. We wanted to believe it. Now it’s been months, and we are essentially raising them. We do school drop-off, homework, dentist appointments, parent-teacher meetings, bedtime stories and meltdowns. We love these children fiercely, and we’re grateful they are safe. But if I’m being honest, I’m exhausted in a way I haven’t felt since my own kids were little. My body doesn’t bounce back. My patience isn’t endless. And some days I’m overwhelmed by the grief of losing the life we thought we were heading into. The finances scare me, too. We’re paying for clothes, food, school supplies and child care when we need help. Nicole can’t contribute much, and when she does show up, she’s unpredictable. Sometimes she’s remorseful and loving, and sometimes she disappears for weeks. The kids cling to her when she’s here and fall apart when she leaves. It breaks my heart. Family members tell us we’re “saints.” Friends say, “At least you have purpose.” I know they mean well, but it makes me feel like I’m not allowed to admit the hard parts. I also feel guilty for resenting the situation when the kids are the innocent ones.How do we raise our grandkids with love and stability without losing ourselves in the process? And how do we handle our daughter in a way that protects the children but doesn’t turn us into the enemy?You and Tom are doing the right thing by giving the kids safety and routine, but you need support around you. Start by getting the practical pieces in place. Talk to a family law attorney or legal aid about temporary guardianship or custody, and ask the school and doctor what paperwork they require. Call your county or state office and ask about kinship care benefits, child care help and counseling for the kids. With Nicole, keep it loving but firm. Visits should be predictable, and if she’s unreliable, you set limits that protect Sophie and Mason. Then take care of yourselves, too. Even one regular break a week can keep you from burning out.Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems. She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.comDear Annie: What to do when your child becomes your landlord
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