A reader seeks advice on how to handle a long-time book club member who is constantly opinionated and uses a harsh tone, making the experience uncomfortable for other participants. The advice offered includes having an open and honest conversation with the member about their behavior, setting boundaries, and exploring alternative options if the situation doesn't improve.
DEAR ERIC: I belong to a small book club that now comprises six older women. All of us have been with the group for more than 30 years. For the most part, we all get along and enjoy the variety of books that are selected to be read each year. We have one member who is very opinionated about everything and does not hesitate to let her thoughts be known to us all. Often, she snaps and uses a tone that is loud and unyielding to any other perspective or viewpoint.
Some of these opinions are about what books should be selected for the year, but often times it’s more trivial and can border on a personal attack. For years, we’ve all given her a pass, dismissing her as, “it’s just Suzy’s way,” but most of the members are simply tired of these tirades. She reminds me of Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in the movie, “Grumpy Old Men.” Do you have any suggestions on how to handle a “grumpy old woman”? DEAR DROPOUT: Thirty years of unyielding comments and personal attacks? I’ve dropped out of book clubs for far less. The food is never good? See ya later. The chairs are uncomfortable? Catch you on the flip side. So, I admire your perseverance with this Suzy situation. Wouldn’t be me! This may, as you said, be Suzy’s way. But that doesn’t mean she can’t temper it. Your tolerance for these antics has changed, as is your right. And so, you can tell Suzy, kindly but squarely, that you find it hard to be in book club with these kinds of interjections. Give specific examples. Ask her if she can see how it makes for an uncomfortable experience and see if she’ll make an adjustment. If she doesn’t, well, that’s just Suzy’s way. And your way can be straight out the door, to enjoy your book at home. DEAR READERS: On Jan. 12, I published a letter (“People Pleaser”) from a first responder who was hesitant to start therapy for PTSD and marital issues because of anxiety about not doing therapy right. I wanted to share the following two responses to that letter in hopes that the letter writer, and anyone else struggling with the decision to get help, might find some hope and support. You are not alone. DEAR ERIC: My son is a first responder and was having similar feelings. Fortunately, he came to me and mentioned it pretty casually and vaguely. I told him he should set up an appointment with his primary care physician just as a starting point. He did some diagnostic testing in the office, and he did have some PTSD and anxiety. I also suggest “People Pleaser” could get tools to deal with these on-the-job stressors by starting there. Secondly my son felt the same way of not wanting to speak with coworkers, friends or close family about how he was really feeling for fear of not being “the best”. He inquired in a neighboring county and found first-responder group therapy where he didn’t know anybody else. Just what the doctor ordered and he discovered he had many of the same thoughts and DEAR MOM: A primary care physician is a great, and confidential, place to start. Additionally, I love the suggestion of finding a support group, particularly one away from home so that any social anxieties aren’t acting as deterrents. DEAR ERIC: I’m a 22-year police veteran with a divorce under my belt, countless memories that I don’t want and a concern for fellow first responders. My second wife and I nearly divorced about a year ago, and we are still working very hard to keep moving forward. I was in a terrible state myself, wondering how I could take care of my family if I wasn’t around to do it anymore. I ended up finding an amazing marriage counselor. My wife found her own therapist, and I found one of my own. I finally discussed things about my past that I’d sworn I’d never talk about, and once the seal was broken, it became so much easier. My advice to PP is to, of course, seek therapy, but he should find someone that has some experience with first responders. The letter writer should also be seeking marital counseling. Your agency may have a Peer Support Program with their EAP. TRUST the process. Medication may help in the short term. There are lots of options out there. The Concerns of Police Survivors can provide numerous free resources as well. DEAR HELP: I’m so glad you found support and I’m glad you’re still around to share these great resources and this encouragement. Thank you!
Book Club Difficult People Conflict Resolution Boundaries Communication Social Groups
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