Joe Nguyen is a digital strategist for The Denver Post. Previously he was the online prep sports editor. Prior to that, he covered Adams County and Aurora in the YourHub section. He has previously covered Colorado’s Asian-American communities as editor for Asian Avenue magazine and AsiaXpress.com.
I have a variety of orthopedic issues, some chronic and some temporary. I use a cane, a walker or a wheelchair when I’m out of the house, depending on how I feel that day, or what sort of activity I’m planning to take part in.
Now that I’ve reached a certain age, I interact a lot with people who are getting new hips and knees. They assume that’s what’s going on with me, and apparently, part of the recovery process is to be cheered on or commiserated with by total strangers. They want to know how soon I’ll be giving up the assistive devices, which I’ve been using for decades and have no plans to stop using. I don’t know what to say. If I show up with the cane one day, they’ll say “Look! You’re improving.” If I show up with the walker the next day, they’ll ask: “what happened?” I usually mumble something about how I’m not going to get better, but I don’t really want to tell them more. I don’t owe anyone any explanations, but it makes me want to skip the activity. I know they mean well, but I find their constant cheerleading very frustrating, as it is a painful reminder that I’m not going to get well, like they did. I just want to be accepted for who I am, as I am, assistive devices and all. Is there a better way to handle this? Should I just smile and move on when I really want to tell them to mind their own business? I don’t want to be rude, but I’ve had enough.If these are people that you’re going to see on a regular basis, or repeatedly, it may be helpful to get ahead of the comments by telling them, “I’ve noticed you make encouraging remarks about my use of assistive devices. I appreciate your support, but the most supportive thing you could do for me is not comment at all. It will change from day to day, and that’s totally normal.” It isn’t rude to redirect people when they comment on our bodies or our abilities. Their intentions may be in the right place, but intention and impact are very different. Even if you end up having to respond in the moment, remember that you’re telling these other people how you’d like to be communicated with. You’re facilitating a better relationship. That’s a gift.My recently married daughter has a husband and mother-in-law who seem out to disenfranchise me, and I don’t know what to do. At the wedding, the mother-in-law went around rearranging seating, even putting herself at my family table instead of her own. Throughout the wedding, she filmed me with her phone. After the wedding, I was told I was caught on video complaining about the wedding and bridal couple. Which I did not do. My daughter told me her husband was having difficulty with me, so I told her to have him speak to me directly. When I spoke with him, the groom said that one of his friends told him I said the bride’s sister was the pretty one and he was upset. I suspect the mother-in-law made this up. None of the groom’s father’s family was at the wedding and apparently, he has no contact with them. I suspect, by his mother’s recent behavior, that she pushed them away. And I feel she is trying to do this to me. I have said to my daughter that I don’t know how to deal with all of this hateful behavior directed toward me. And she has not commented or responded. I don’t really know what to do about this.Think of these as separate relationships that require separate strategies. With regard to the mother-in-law, polite distance may be your best option. You were brought into contact through the wedding, but that’s over. It may be healthiest for your daughter and for you if you try to put her out of your mind.While she may be poisoning the well with her son, she doesn’t impact your life day-to-day. It’s fine to respond to rumors about you by saying, “that isn’t true and I’m not interested in engaging in rumors, so you should go back to your source and find out why they felt the need to talk about this.” With regard to your son-in-law, the relationship may take some kid gloves. As the marriage is still in its early stages, you’re both learning what kind of relationship you’d like to have. At some point down the road, it will be helpful to have a conversation about how you’d both like to interact. But for now, it may be best to keep a healthy boundary.Nearly 660 flights delayed, 129 canceled at DIA on MondayHundreds of flights delayed, dozens canceled at Denver International AirportDenver church finds stolen century-old statues, now faces $4K in repairs Metro Denver cities begin enacting mandatory outdoor watering limits for spring as drought, warmth continue Dismantling of Boulder's NCAR by Trump administration is retaliatory and illegal, universities allege in new lawsuit
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