I don’t want to sound judgmental about her parenting.
I have a good friend of more than 30 years who has two teenage sons. One son is friendly and welcoming whenever we go to their home or when he comes to ours. Her other teenage son is oftentimes rude and incommunicative.
Asking Eric: My boyfriend is great, except when he’s saying mean things about my pastAsking Eric: I asked her to dial back her gym behavior. She persisted, and now taunts me.For example, we recently went to their home, and her son wore his headphones the entire time. He came in, ate, and left without saying one single word to me or my family. My daughter is the same age. There are times that he’s friendly and makes an effort but oftentimes he completely ignores us. My friend tolerates this. I would not tolerate this from my own children. I haven’t said anything to date because I don’t want to make her defensive. At the same time, it has gotten very irritating to me and my family that he treats us this way and is allowed to. We have always been kind and supportive to him and his family. Do you have any advice on how we could handle the situation? Is there anything I could say to my friend that would not sound judgmental of her as a parent?It would be helpful to be clear about what specifically you’re looking for from your friend’s son. Do you want to have a closer relationship with him and feel that’s impeded by his antisocial behavior? Or do you want him to behave better out of deference to you? Teenagers do not, as a rule, have to go through a sullen phase. That could, however, be what’s going on here, or there could be something else happening in his life. If what you want is the former – to have a better relationship with him – then you can start by talking to his mother about what’s going on with him and how you might better reach him. This is different from a conversation that critiques her parenting in that you’re showing interest in her son and asking how you can help as another adult in her child’s life. However, if you just want him to behave better, you may have to let your friend parent in the way she sees fit.: My sister died, and her wish was for me to write a short eulogy. I will be the only one speaking at the memorial Mass. Her husband doesn’t like me. Their two sons are not close. The sons’ wives are quite different and don’t get along with each other. My sister’s relationship was quite different with each of her daughters-in-law. One was like the daughter she always wanted; she is married to the son who was favored by my sister. The father favored the other son. I don’t know how to handle this. Do you think I should ask the more distant daughter-in-law and husband to write what they want me to say in the eulogy? Ask both sets?Is it OK to make the eulogy from my perspective as a sister only? That seems like then the eulogy is all about me. So, I think I have to avoid doing that. Traditionally, a eulogy is a tribute to the deceased, written and delivered from the perspective of the speaker. It’s an opportunity to give those gathered – whether they’re close family or casual acquaintances – a unique view of the deceased’s life and best traits. To that end, some things might get left out, but other stories or details that some might not know will be highlighted.This is all to say, write what you know. Your sister asked you specifically to eulogize her. I would presume she did so because she wanted to be remembered from your viewpoint. It’s OK – and probably what she wanted – to share your thoughts, feelings and memories about your sister rather than trying to capture a wide swath of impressions from family members who may not have liked her as much.Harriette Cole: Should I stay friends with someone who is cheating her employer?Dear Abby: My remarriage sent my ex-wife over the edge It may feel like you’re only talking about your relationship, but we get to know each other through the stories we tell about ourselves and them. No one else had the relationship you have. Think of your reflections as a gift to other people who have come to mourn and remember her. It’s impossible to capture the breadth of a life or the scope of love. So, relieve yourself of that burden. Talk about what she meant to you, and what you feel she meant to her world. Other people will, in turn, be reminded of what she meant to them. That’s the purpose of a eulogy. Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.Miss Manners: I'm appalled that these young women just walk into people's housesAsking Eric: How blunt should I be about my friend's teenage son?$175 million project to reroute traffic between Oakland and Alameda beginsHarriette Cole: My 17-year-old's college plan scares me 'Nobody told us it was dangerous': Quartz countertop boom linked to incurable lung disease among Bay Area workers
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