Advice from R. Eric Thomas.
I sent an out-of-town relative a Sympathy Box from Amazon when her husband died and never received a thank you. I know she got it because I saw the picture on her porch. She’s the kind of person that knows the rules of etiquette.
Should I email/text her to ask if she received it, or let it go? If I ask, how do I do it politely?Let it go, please. We need to extend grace to the grieving. We need to release the need for a formal thank you note or even sometimes an acknowledgement. We need to extend our thoughts, our condolences, our help, and our gifts with no expectation. And we need to do this not because those navigating grief are exempt from the rules of etiquette, but because we are operating under the rules of empathy. In this case, you know that the package wasn’t lost and so any concern that something went wrong can be put aside. You sent it to let your relative know you were thinking of her and to provide some items that might be helpful at a difficult time. It’s safe to assume that she felt your sentiment. The loss of a loved one, particularly a spouse, can be so logistically and emotionally difficult. And it can remain so for a very long time. I don’t know where your relative is in her journey, but suffice it to say, a thank you note didn’t make it on to her to-do list today. That is OK. I hope – and I encourage you to hope – that instead she did whatever she needed to do to process, to grieve, and to heal.My wife, Jane, asked me to fetch her passport from her travel wallet in our safe. It was not where it usually is. While searching, I came across six pictures in the wallet of Jane and close family and Jane and her best friend. There were also two pictures of Jane and a friend of the opposite sex, Adam.About nine years ago before we got married and while we were in the early stages of long-distance dating, Jane told me that someone had asked her if I was worried about Jane spending so much time with Adam and sleeping over at Adam’s house sometimes. At the time I said, no, I was not concerned as I considered Adam to be her close friend with whom she had grown up. And that was that. But the pictures of Jane and Adam in her wallet in the safe triggered a wave of negative thoughts racing through my mind. When I saw those pictures my body and mind reacted, as if I was not in control of them. Over the years, Jane has talked about Adam more than any of her other friends and has become closer with Adam than with her other friends. This was never an issue until I saw the pictures of them together. I do not like to think anything physical has ever happened between Jane and Adam. They have only seen each other once or twice in the last three years or so.So, if anything, I guess it would be an emotional affair at the worst or just close friends at best. However, it’s gnawing at me. Should I ask Jane about the pictures or should I just keep trying to ignore my mind and accept that it’s normal for one to keep pictures of a close friend of the opposite sex in a wallet in the safe among other special family pictures? I have never had to have such a conversation in my life before and I’m not sure how to approach it or if I should even approach it.Based on what you wrote, I have doubts about this being an emotional affair. You wrote that Jane and Adam have been close since childhood and remain close, so it actually sounds quite normal that she’d have pictures of him along with other friends and family with whom she’s close and has platonic relationships. From what you’ve written, she’s not hiding anything and there’s little to suggest that this relationship is unhealthy. I would gently suggest that it’s likely this problem is coming from inside of you. That’s OK; jealousy isn’t something we can always control. But I’d caution you against making this your wife’s problem by asking her to explain something that doesn’t need explanation. Instead, you might consider talking to a therapist about what you’re feeling and trying to dig down to what it’s really connected to. There might be other things in your marriage that you feel unsure about and perhaps you’re putting that anxiety on to Jane’s relationship with Adam.R. Eric Thomas writes the "Asking Eric" column for Tribune Content Agency. He previously wrote at Slate. Send your questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com. Open & Shut: Anchorage gets new eateries — Polynesian, Mexican and American with global twists — as well as a game board cafe and a cannabis shopLetter: All the things you can fix in Anchorage for 65 cents per day
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