Advice from R. Eric Thomas.
I have two friends with whom I frequently engage in trekking; we always have great chats and fun. But I noticed when offering an invitation to come stay in our holiday home, approximately two hours’ drive away, the replies were quite muted or passive but polite.
Responding with their absence of enthusiasm left the moment “hanging.” Another separate friend feels I should be more specific in setting out the dates or weekends I’m offering to clarify my intentions to them. This friend feels it’s not up to the invited to seek clarification on dates, et cetera, and thus explains their reluctance.What are your thoughts?This is merely conjecture, but it’s possible that your friends would prefer to keep the friendship trek-only. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps they’re most comfortable trekking or don’t like staying at other people’s homes. There’s plenty of explanations. Maybe they don’t feel up to the drive to a second location. From the way you describe the situation, it seems your intentions are rather clear. So, I’m not sure that being more specific about dates or weekends is going to get you farther without first finding out if there’s another reason for their reluctance.To that end, you may want to have a no-pressure conversation about it. “I noticed you don’t seem as interested in hanging out at my holiday home as you do in trekking. Am I misreading that?”For many years my husband and I have been very generous and kind with my sister’s family. We also planned many trips for them. Her husband is known as being very stingy toward us. Now they’ve actually told us they are not doing nice things for us anymore. We are sick of the way they are rude, act so immature and are frankly mean. We have decided to finally just walk away from them. What are your thoughts?That sounds like the right thing to do. From your telling, you’ve extended graciousness and had very little of it, if any, returned. Now, your sister’s family is actively telling you they don’t want to extend any graciousness to you. This is basically them telling you that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, or at least not in the way that you want.when people tell you that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, you should believe them . It will save you a lot of stress and pain to put up an internal boundary, reminding yourself that you’ve done what you can to create healthy connection and that these new behaviors make that impossible. It’s also helpful to remind yourself that the generosity you extended wasn’t wasted, even if it didn’t produce the result you wanted. You’ve been living according to your values and that’s important. They don’t share your values – or they don’t see your values in the same way. That’s a shame. But you don’t have to continue putting yourself in a position where your generosity is rejected.As I read the letter from “Abandoned by Family,” about the widow whose late husband’s children from his first marriage left her out of his funeral arrangements, I realized something. The lady writing to you is almost 100 years old. She stated they got married nine years ago when they were in their 80s. Whew, imagine being almost 100 and people are still playing with your emotions. Did anyone else notice the age? I hope everything goes well for the rest of Miss Lady’s days. And peace and blessings to you.You have a way with words; I love it. No one’s emotions should be played with, but certainly not someone who’s had almost 100 years on Earth. Play time is over. Peace and blessings to you, too.As a widow and someone who has moved several times, I have a suggestion for “Mementos,” a recent widow who wanted to downsize but whose children wanted her to keep her late husband’s belongings. My suggestion is: take pictures. Memory for pictures is cheap and takes up little space. I take pictures of many things I’ve collected before I let them leave my house. I smile as I look at the pictures during the long winter days.Thank you for this suggestion. It’s a great reminder that even if we part with physical objects, we can hold on to the memories they evoke in multiple ways. This may also make letting go of the objects easier.R. Eric Thomas writes the "Asking Eric" column for Tribune Content Agency. He previously wrote at Slate. Send your questions to eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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