Renowned researchers Harry Reis and Sonja Lyubomirsky discuss their findings after seven years reviewing happiness and relationship science, concluding that feeling loved-not just being loved-is crucial for happiness. They introduce five mindsets-Sharing, Listening-to-Learn, Radical Curiosity, Open-Heart, and Multiplicity-and debunk common cultural myths about love, emphasizing the importance of authentic conversation and mutual recognition.
Two expert collaborators wrote it: Harry Reis , a longtime love researcher; and Sonja Lyubomirsky , a pioneering happiness researcher and Distinguished Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside.
For those of you who are not familiar with Lyubomirsky's work, she's kind of a big deal. She recently spoke on the TED Mainstage You have to share the complexity of your full, multifaceted self—both your strengths and your contradictions—with the other person. b) The other person has to notice what you’ve shared. c) The other person has to care about what you’ve shared.
""To practice it, you should approach your next conversation by thinking of yourself as a listener, not a speaker—that is, listen and ask questions that clarify and yield insights about the other person’s story, and do it as if you’ll be quizzed on their story tomorrow. "Lyubomirsky and Reis also take time to dispel some prevailing cultural myths about how to feel loved.
They call these the Five If-Only Beliefs:#2: If only I could make sure others knew my positive qualities and successes, I would feel more loved. #4: If only my partner could speak my love language, I would feel more loved. None of these myths hold up to scientific scrutiny, or even common sense. And, as an aside, the whole"love languages" framework is unscientific and kind of BS.
I'm very pleased the authors do a classy and decisive job of dismantling that myth, too. What the authors propose instead is the Relationship Sea-Saw , which is the centerpiece of the book. It is a"delicate dance of alternately lifting and being lifted", in which you engage in an upward spiral of increasinga couple of times now.
And as a Happiness Engineer who's been studying, writing, and teaching about happiness and love for 20+ years, I can sayIt's a paradigm shift in our thinking about love and relationships, and should rightly become a cultural touchstone. It has already enhanced my well-being, and can improve yours, too. And it's way cheaper thanwant to give it to loved ones . The principles in.
There's literally nothing in the world with greater bearing on our long-term well-being. And yet,Lyubomirsky and Reis have put together a combined 80 years of experience to bring this book into the world so we can love and be loved better. May you get out of this transformative book as much as I did. Ali Victor Binazir, M.D., M.Phil.
, reads 150 books a year, so you don’t have to. He is a Happiness Engineer, author, clinical hypnotherapist, brain trainer, public speaking coach, 3X TEDx speaker, and stage hypnotist. Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted?
Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
Harry Reis Sonja Lyubomirsky Relationship Science Happiness Science Feeling Loved Mindsets For Love Sharing Listening-To-Learn Radical Curiosity Open-Heart Multiplicity
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