Bel Mooney responds to a woman's dilemma about wanting to pursue a relationship with a local man while still being married to her husband.
You and your beloved husband have been enduring a burden of illness that would make most people question their daily lives and perhaps want 'more.
' Think about it – you have a serious condition and he has had radical treatment for his – and so each of you has faced all that anxiety and pain separately as well as together. It’s a triple whammy of stress, as well as a lot of confusion and fear. Such experiences can put a massive strain even on a long love, and it’s touching that you begin by calling him 'darling.
' But now something has happened to profoundly unsettle you. You describe 'a shared kiss on both cheeks' which has acted like an electric shock to your system. I’d love to know how you met this man and what conversations you have had - for him to admit he feels as 'smitten' after those chaste cheek-kisses. How did it happen?
Was that truly all there was? No matter. Let’s be clear about what you are suggesting. You think it should be possible to remain married to your (now-impotent) husband, while at the same time having some sort of affair with the local man.
Both wishes are strong and you believe in their truth. Believe me, I do understand that feeling, and the sudden passionate longing that has so unsettled you. It’s something I have known in the past. Many long-married couples are surprised by the intensity of a new yearning after somebody outside the marriage, and the restless longing for 'more.
' You have been a patient and a 'nurse' as well. You know what it is to feel absolutely exhausted and terrified at the same time. Inevitably you have sensed what mortality is, and how near it could be, and how precious life is. That longing you feel is both a wish for more life (please God) and a desire for the life that’s left to be new and exciting.
I want you to realize how understandable such feelings are and how many people will share them. So please don’t feel guilty. There are days when each one of us will look at our life and whisper, 'Is that it? Is this all there is?
' At such moments you want to grab any joy that flies past. The question is – how much happiness would pursuing a relationship with the local man bring you? I need to be truthful here and tell you that, far from bringing you joy, it is likely to make you very unhappy. The man is single but you are not.
If you were to start an affair (and I understand that physical longing) you would be lying to the husband you love, sneaking around, feeling torn up inside every single day, overwhelmed with guilt, tortured by insomnia, and sick to your soul because of the mess you created for yourself. So yes, I do suspect you are 'deluded' to think it would bring the joy you seek.
Sometimes affairs lead to people starting new lives with the soul-mate they should have met in the first place. But I’m afraid I can’t see that happening here. So all I can do is urge caution. Being 'smitten' by those powerful longings is like being hit by a sledgehammer, isn’t it?
But please be careful this impulse doesn’t smite you and your poor husband down
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