Dating across Utah's religious divide can be tough for both parties and their families. Worries and pressures abound. What are the challenges? What are the rewards?
This is Part 2 of a continuing series on Utah’s religious divide . It focuses on dating. Part 1 examined its impact on neighborhoods, including the effect on
Davis refused to back down from her decision, even when she graduated from church-owned Southern Utah University single, a circumstance that she said “shocked” her parents, who met in college. Neither did she relent when faced with pushback from a few of the men she met along the way, including one who, frustrated, insisted to her that he was “a good person.”“I was like, ‘Oh, you think I’m judging you,’” she recalled.
Not content with being a passive observer, she helped with a massive Latter-day Saint conference for 500 to 600 midsingle adults. The Church of Jesus Christ has adjusted the range of ages for what it considers young single adults and single adults . “Young single adult” now refers to unmarried members ages 18 to 35. “Single adult” now describes unmarried members ages 36 and older.“When I was Mormon, I was only dating Mormon guys,” Allen said.
When her boyfriend went to his assigned mission to Mexico, the pair eagerly emailed once a week, but after only a few months, he was sent back to Utah because ofBut she said he had changed. No longer the carefree teen she loved, he was socially awkward and talking about religion all the time. He gave her a copy of his missionary photo, with a personal letter about his faith on the back. He wanted to give her a Book of Mormon, the faith’s signature scripture, but she declined.
Taylor Alay is 20 years old and a student at Utah Valley University. She speaks about the struggles of dating within the religious divide as a non-Latter-day Saint woman in Utah County. Of course, considering the sheer size of Utah’s Latter-day Saint populace, ruling out dating a member can severely shrink the pool of potential partners.
Some who grew up Latter-day Saints but later left believe the church’s emphasis on chastity was, Jex said, “harmful to how they related to their own bodies, which becomes a factor in how they see their bodies and in intimacy.” Those who stayed often were “developmentally stunting themselves, waiting on someone else,” she said. “It’s so heartbreaking, so hard. I have no answer. It’s just sad.”“Spirituality is such a value of mine,” she said, “that I have chosen to stay in at any cost.”
Diana Brown, a single Latter-day Saint, agreed, while noting that tension surrounding sex can build as couples extend their relationship. Messaging like this, Henderson fears, serves as a warning to Latter-day Saint women that, as someone pursuing an unpredictable and demanding career, “I’m the kind of guy they want to avoid.”
Tom Merrill, a 40-year-old divorced father of two who has been out of the church for close to a decade, said he will sometimes list himself as a social drinker as a nod to his standing outside the dominant religion. While many parents don’t care as long as the would-be partner is kind and treats their child well, some see dating within the faith as a deeply held expectation.
For some Latter-day Saint parents, it can be less about this world and more about the next. Would there be an “empty seat” in their family’s highest heaven? These couples may not speak up as their child becomes romantically involved with someone outside the fold, but they may, in fact, be white-knuckling in private.
A former Latter-day Saint, Tom Merrill uses the designation "social drinker" on dating apps as a marker of his distance from the dominant faith. Melissa was a Latter-day Saint, who wanted to marry in the temple to a fellow believer. Her parents seemed to like Jeff enough , but she got endless questions from her friends and siblings.
After about two years of dating, Jeff began to wonder if all the negativity his church had taught him about Mormonism was, well, wrong.
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