Is it even possible for parents and stepparents to plan a wedding that will be positive and meaningful for them and their children?
and commitment. However, family weddings may be fraught with pressures and division. This is often the case for remarriages, especially for children in the new stepfamilies.Family rituals are communication events that honor family identity and commitment .
My colleagues and I have studied how stepfamily rituals can help bring stepfamilies together . One new stepfamily agreed to select an equal number of Christmas tree ornaments from both original families and made a new ornament together each year. For birthday dinners, a stepfamily blended from different cultures chose to serve food from each culture.of parents and stepparents is difficult for many children. This is especially true for children old enough to remember family life before their parents split up. We asked young adult stepchildren what they feel, do, and say when a parent and stepparent marry. Many stepchildren had a positive relationship with their stepparent and approved of the marriage, while some did not. Weddings also created strong emotions and highlighted the reality that their parents were not getting back together.We learned that remarriages were more meaningful for children when parents and stepparents found a positive way to inform children about the decision to marry, and involved children in some aspects of planning the wedding. This does not mean that the children were expected to “call the shots” or that the couple’s desires were unimportant. However, from the perspective of the children, it was important that the couple find meaningful ways to highlight that a family was being created. Children needed help to appreciate both their original family and the new stepfamily.Adults’ wants and needs are influenced by their family circumstances. For instance, both parents may have brought children to the remarriage, and/or may have had children as a couple. The couple may have been together for a short time or for many years. Children may have strong or weak memories of their original family. Adolescents may have positive, ambivalent, or negative feelings about the stepparent or being a stepfamily. Adult children may have started their own lives and not have close relationships with the stepfamily. The couple needs to come to consensus about what they want in a wedding. Some may prefer a lunchtime wedding at the courthouse or in the backyard. Others will want a formal church wedding. Some couples decide not to have their children present at the remarriage ceremony, which was the case when my father remarried. One mother came home late one night and told her oldest son to watch his seven siblings as she and her partner were going to Las Vegas to get married. Such options likely meet the needs of the couple over the children. Since children connect a meaningful remarriage ceremony with creating a family, how do couples balance their desires with that of the children? One stepmother without children was marrying for the first time. Her fiancé was intent on including his daughter in the wedding, and she supported that. However, she was dismayed when he asked his daughter to stand between the couple at the ceremony. This was part of a series of actions that started the marriage off on the wrong foot for this bride. She worked with a counselor to learn how to communicate and build a workable family structure. In fact, we later included this stepmother in a study of positive stepparent-stepchild relationships.to find out what children may want from the remarriage ceremony. These considerations should start with a careful analysis of the ages and emotional maturity of the children, and such issues as time, distance, and budget. Adults need to consider how things are currently going in the stepfamily to help them make choices. In our studies, stepchildren were aware that most adult decisions had been made without their input: the decision to separate,, start a new relationship, cohabit with the stepparent, and get married. One stepchild recalled finding out their mom was serious about the man she was. Soon they had a Saturday wedding, moved into the stepparent’s home on Sunday, and the children started at a new school on Monday. That is a lot of change to endure, even if the children approve of their stepparent—and, of course, more difficult if they do not. Children are looking for evidence that the parent and stepparent understand and value the creation of a new family. Getting fancy outfits or a role in the wedding may not help them to regard the remarriage positively at the time. One stepdaughter described a positive experience: “We were included in every step, every process throughout the entire ceremony and preparation… it was like the celebration of the marriage and more like the union of our family…focused on our new family” .and regard for the individual children and stepfamily situation, different options may work. Children may appreciate helping to choose the wedding cake or plan the composition of the family photo that will be posted online or in the stepfamily home. One stepfather met with his partner’s children and sought their advice on the proposal. Acouple had rings made for each child that marched their wedding rings. When a stepfamily formed following the death of a parent the couple talked with the children about ways to remember their departed mother in the new family. Physical artifacts from the wedding such as photos, video recordings, jewelry, clothing, or a special plate may be help create lasting and positive memories. Children struggling with the remarriage in the present may be able to engage with these items and recall positive memories in the future.The couple may consider actions that help create acceptance and support of grandparents and other relatives. This may include the family of the former partner/spouse and even the former partner. Think about how best to reveal the new dating relationship as well as the engagement and remarriage. While some former partners have a negative relationship, many parents, new partners, and former partners function well as what I have called “parent teams.” Parent teams range from low to high levels of positivity and involvement.It is important to remember that each family situation is unique and, even when the couple makes attempts to meet the needs of the children, remarriage rituals may be challenging to navigate, especially in the early years. In the long run, it is worth the effort to communicate in ways that may help stepchildren, other family members, and the couple feel included and as committed to the stepfamily as possible.Baxter, L. A., Braithwaite, D. O., Kellas, J., LeClair-Underberg, C., Lamb-Normand, E. Routsong, T., Thatcher, M. . Empty ritual: Young-adult stepchildren’s perceptions of the remarriage ceremony.Braithwaite, D. O., Baxter, L. A., & Harper, A. . The role of rituals in the management of dialectical tensions of"old" and"new" in blended families.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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