This humorous dialogue explores a writer's quest to find the perfect candle that encapsulates the essence of the creative process. From ozone and burning metal to steak, bourbon, and even the aroma of typewriter ribbon and coffee, the writer's search takes them through a bizarre and humorous journey.
Sandra (not her real name): Hi, welcome to Everything Candles! We have a hundred different fragrances. I’m Sandra. Can I help you? Me: Do you have a candle that smells like writing? Sandra: What does writing smell like? Me: Ozone, maybe? With top notes of burning, or metal, or burning metal. Or an electrical fire. Live wires sparking and smoking. Solder? Something that blends the flash of an idea and the slow burn of wrestling it into something real.
Something that will get me fat stacks or fame. Do you have anything that smells like that? Sandra: I’m not sure. . . . We have one that smells like cotton. Me: Cotton, O.K., I might be able to work with that. Clean, like freshly laundered sheets pinned to a line in the sun, next to a country cottage or a villa, which is empty except for a table and chair for writing, perhaps near a meadow or orchard for meditative walks in the fresh morning air. Sandra: We do have an apple-scented candle! Me: No, that will make me hungry and want to get a snack. Getting a snack is not writing. Sandra: Just a quick snack and then you’ll get right back to it. It’s not like you’re cooking a meal. Me: Steak! I’m certain that writing smells like steak. Iron and blood. Lighter fluid and charcoal. Fuel. Sustenance for hours and hours of writing. Chewing on concepts, working the gristle over and over in my maw, macerating the words into submission. Do you have any candles that smell like a well-marbled steak? Sandra: We have several different apple scents: apple piñon, apple maple demerara, apple blossom bourbon . . . Me: Bourbon! Of course! Of course writing smells like alcohol. A candle to conjure the spirits of the literary greats and the libations they used to lubricate their wheels of genius. Vodka? Gin? A dirty Martini with olive juice, a twist of lemon, and a dash of Texas Pete? A bracing Sancerre? A heady Barbaresco that stains the teeth and dulls the roar of negative talk like “That’s dreck,” “You suck,” “Drivel,” “Derivative,” “Pabulum,” and “Boring.” What was Hemingway’s drink? Sandra: Daiquiri. Me: Trick question! What wasn’t Hemingway’s drink? Sandra: When he lived in Cuba, he drank daiquiris. I watched a program on PBS about him. A bartender named one after him, the Papa Doble. You can Google it. Me: Do you have a daiquiri candle? Sandra: I’m pretty sure we have a piña-colada candle. Will that work? Me: Possibly. Pineapple, coconut, rum, lime, the tropics, a desert-island vibe. A desert-island-with-bad-Wi-Fi vibe. No distractions. Isolation. The Kon-Tiki with a typewriter. Sandra: You use a typewriter? Me: The inky aroma of typewriter ribbon, the woody scent of new Ticonderoga No. 2s, eau de Wite-Out and natural-rubber-eraser base notes. Sandra: What about lavender? Lavender is calming. Me: Lavender is a “having written” scent. An it’s-3-A.M.-and-holy-shit-the-draft-is-finally-fucking-finished, adrenaline-draining scent. A scent to soothe the euphoria and invite sleep. It’s the whatever-you-take-after-you’ve-had-too-much-cocaine scent. . . . Wait a minute—do you have a candle that smells like cocaine? Sandra: We have candles that smell like pine, juniper, eucalyptus, and mint. Maybe a bracing scent like that? Me: What about something that smells like grinding gears, machine-shop grease, and oil-smeared rags? Something that smells like the whole project will go up in flames, burn to the ground, and leave nothing but a pile of smoldering ash? Might you have something in the back with a smoldering-ash thing happening? Sandra: Everything we have is out. I don’t know what you were sniffing before you came in here, but may I offer you this Mason jar of coffee beans? It helps cleanse the nasal palate. Me: Coffee. Writing definitely smells like coffee. Smoky, bittersweet, plentiful, dark perfection. A lightning bolt of caffeinated acid striking simultaneously at the heart, the mind, and the gut. Fuelling fast-flying fingers across the keyboard. Sandra: I’m sorry—you’re starting to scare me. Me: Scent of fear? Of rejection and despair? Of beating the same dead horse of an idea over and over again? Do you have any candles that smell like dead horse? Sandra: Let me get the manager.
Writing Candle Smell Process Creativity Humor Dialogue
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