This piece explores the author's shift in perspective on friendships, moving from a 'no new friends' mentality to embracing the dynamism and renewal of connections throughout life.
For many years I followed a no-new-friends ethos, one that became cemented in popular culture with the 2013 release of the track “No New Friends” by DJ Khaled, featuring Drake, Rick Ross and Lil Wayne. The logic holds that only established friendships are true and trusted, because they have endured, and since they have endured, there is no space or utility for new friends. But under even the mildest scrutiny, this reasoning crumbles. All friends were new at some point.
What a no-new-friends policy truly points to is a rising risk aversion as we age that can, in the end, be socially crippling. I’ve come to better appreciate that there are stages and levels of friendships, that they exist as a dynamic constellation — some people spinning into it and others out, some closer to you and others farther away — all holding their own value in your life and you in theirs. This idea of an ever-evolving web of connections I once thought of as chaotic, but now I’m exhilarated by the churn and renewal. I don’t believe this requires the suspension of discernment or an embrace of recklessness. Instead, it requires that we regard our emotional boundaries as more picket fence than stone wall. We must continuously allow people into our lives, with caution and care, of course, but in nonetheless. We must also learn to let them out. We must allow dimming friendships to sunset, and do so without acrimony, treasuring the fact that they existed in our lives at all and remembering with fondness the times shared.One was my mother’s relaxing relationship to friendship as she has aged. Now in her 80s, she has become friends with people whom she once kept at a distance. Their minor disagreements and petty animosities have melted away. They are the survivors, those whom life has chosen and wisdom rewarded. They know what matters in the end: human connection. The other was moving to Atlanta just before I turned 5
FRIENDSHIPS AGING CONNECTION GROWTH BOUNDARIES
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