This article critiques the influence of the romance myth on our movements during times of heightened crisis. It argues for prioritizing genuine connection and solidarity over romanticized notions of love and relationships, ultimately advocating for a more inclusive and effective form of resistance.
It’s the first Valentine’s Day in the second Trump presidency, and the speed-up of racist, ecocidal, patriarchal, wealth-concentrating terror is ploughing through, leaving devastation, despair and overwhelm in its wake.
In courageous pursuit of love for our people, in profound solidarity with life on the planet, it’s time to shrug off the patriarchal romance myth and the ways it domesticates our freedom dreams, demobilizes our disobedience, and isolates us from the very people and pleasures that can make life worth living. Valentine’s Day is a mainstay of the romance myth, insisting we celebrate romance or feel left out. It asserts that romantic relationships are the most important, that our lives are empty without them, and that we should sacrifice all to get and keep them. This myth is an important part of the social control that keeps patriarchy and racial capitalism going, that quell rebellion and stigmatize poverty. The romance myth is crucial for maintaining a gendered division of labor and extracting unpaid reproductive labor from women. Romance myth propaganda in songs, shows, romance novels and social media keeps us psychically tethered to a belief that romantic love and marriage will provide emotional and material security. It demands that we jealously compete for the ideal mate (and housing and job), obsess over our worthiness, and devote time and energy to meeting societal norms — all of which undermines our solidarity and collectivity. Feminist and queer resistance reminds us of the wild creativity and aliveness, the feral pleasures of our bodies and generous connections across friendship, lovers, chosen family and our collectives. The methods by which the erotic is domesticated are truly heartbreaking. We are offered unsatisfying prizes in exchange for our wildness: sexless yet “secure” relationships, jealousy, unsustainable domestic labor and child care arrangements, products to decorate our cages — and self-blame for our unhappiness.Amid a pressing acceleration of harm and violence (ecological crisis, wealth concentration, immigration enforcement, criminalization, attacks on queer and trans people and reproductive care, genocidal and imperialist warfare) our resistance movements are often disorganized by the romance myth. People tend to wreak havoc on lovers, groups and communities when caught up in romance myth scripts and reactions. Our groups implode because we don’t know how to stick together when we are overcome by the fear, insecurity, distrust and disappointment that are bound to arise when people gather to do anything that matters to them. And our lack of skillful attention to relational and group dynamics frequently turns off newcomers, leaving our efforts too small for the immense work that is needed. We often pretend it doesn’t matter how we treat each other as long as we get the deliverables out: meals distributed, banners dropped, court cases filed, actions planned. Yet as feminists have always maintained, the personal is political, and the “women’s work” of attending to relationships is vital. Many brilliant organizers (or former organizers) who identify as “burnt out” aren’t tired simply from the hard work of collective action but from unresolved conflict with other organizers that no one had the skills to address. Even people who somehow had maintained hope in liberalism, the Democrats and the trappings of neoliberal multiculturalism until the 2024 election are now encountering disillusionment. The dangerous fantasy that the United States government is going to solve the problems it creates and perpetuates is crumbling. Let it go! Now, how do we welcome newly awakening and despairing people into our movements, including those coming back after the isolation of burnout? How do we create onramps to mobilization that help people start from whatever they are initially pissed off about and expand their solidarities to care for more and more people, to understand the links between their own lives and everyone’s? Our resistance movements are often disorganized by the romance myth. People tend to wreak havoc on lovers, groups and communities when caught up in romance myth scripts and reactions.than ever, and report having no one to share good and bad news with. So when people take the risk to find us, we need to welcome them, knowing that they are seeking belonging and connection alongside purposeful action. Our groups shouldn’t feel like workplaces where we push ourselves and each other, sacrificing relationships to get the next task done. This isn’t a short-term situation. The rest of our lives will be unfolding, worsening disasters caused by ecological crisis and the unravelling of U.S. empire. The success of each action must be measured on whether, when it was over, we are more prepared to take bold action together, more connected to one another, more trusting and trustworthy
Activism Romance Myth Patriarchy Solidarity Resistance Burnout Ecocide Social Control
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