Confrontation comes at a social cost, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith. You need to figure out if paying that cost will be a fair deal
I suppose my big question is: should I confront her about her bad behaviour or continue to try and avoid her as she’ll never change and it’ll just cause discomfort within the group?the modus operandi of bad behaviour is that everyone will be too polite to point it out. It’s just so socially expensive to tell someone you condemn what they did. Sometimes we need to take a galvanising deep breath just to tell mutual friends that’s what we think. I don’t know why this is.
But you asked whether you should confront her. This is a little tricky to answer without specifics, but here’s a test I’ve sometimes found useful when weighing up social costs of speaking out. Are other people being hurt or deceived in big ways? Is she contributing to discrimination or social problems that you can’t abide with a clean conscience? Or is she just being a shmucky friend, making barbs, being selfish?
If you’re in that latter situation, it might be worth reflecting on the language of “toxicity” and “narcissism”.
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