Personal Perspective: People often tell women, "If you don't have kids, you'll regret it in the future." But are they right?
Regret is found in almost every decision.“If I don’t have kids someday, will I be okay?” The young woman asking the question took me aside after a book event. “I have no drive to have them,” she continued, “but moms keep telling me I’ll regret it.
” During our supposedly fertile years, any qualms we express about becoming a mother are met with that line about regretting it later. Or something close to it. Fact is, no one can foresee whether doubts will crop up in the future about most any decision we make. Kids or no kids. Where we live. Who we love, and who we lose. Because we tend to hang out with folks about our same age, gaining perspective about our future selves is challenging. Some friends will thrive as mothers. Many will regret at least a few aspects of having kids. Same goes for people deciding whether to try for kids. In my twenties I was pretty sure I didn’t want kids. My role as Lieutenant Mom to my three younger sisters and hundreds of hours babysitting informed at least part of my thought process. So did population growth, finances, and worry about finding a good dad. In my thirties I made a quick about-face, after a friend and her new husband decided they were going for it. How fun it would be to raise our kids together, they said. I knew I risked losing thisif my mate and I didn’t step up. What else were we going to do with our lives anyway, we asked ourselves in the days that followed.In quick succession my friend’s two sons were born. On our side, we endured five plus years of fertility treatments, complete with nasty drugs, on-demandAs the distance between our experiences widened, that friendship slowly petered out. My husband and I threw in the towel and decided to move on with our lives. Enough was enough. I can say I’ve never regretted not going ahead with IVF.as a non-mom, I sought out other women who didn’t have children. Mine was a gradual process, one that involved making myself vulnerable and sharing my conundrums.With so many life experiences already lived, elder women held the most sway with me. Their stories about how they crafted lives of meaning and purpose were inspirational, regardless of whether they chose not to have kids or were unable to do so. They still are. I feel part of a shared community I can tap into whenever I want or need to. What I learned is that no one gets everything they want. We all face challenges, opportunities, and triumphs. Over and over, elder women told me to create and celebrate the life I have, knowing regret may crop up from time to time related to all kinds of decisions. Even having kids.has been parents I know — especially those who have troubled youngsters, grown sons and daughters who ricochet in and out of their sometimes-empty nests. Those with substance problems,issues, or insecure housing. Many confide that they regret having kids. Not that they don’t love them dearly. Now in hindsight, they see value in the road not taken, too. As for that young woman who asked if she’d be okay not having kids, here’s what I told her. “Yes, you’ll be okay,” I said, “because you already are, just as you are.”There’s been a fundamental shift in how we define adulthood—and at what pace it occurs. PT’s authors consider how a once iron-clad construct is now up for grabs—and what it means for young people’s mental health today.
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Personal Perspective: EMDR either rewired my emotions or it was nonsense.Personal Perspective: EMDR supposedly provides a way for the brain to rewire your emotions...either that or it's total nonsense in which nothing really happens.
Read more »
The Early Days of the Internet: A Personal PerspectiveA journalist reflects on his experience covering the rise of the public internet in the early 1990s, highlighting concerns about its potential for social control and corporate ownership.
Read more »
Personal Perspective: A difficult path to maturity.While adults who grew up with narcissistic parents can come across mature and in control, there are some developmental elements missing according to Erikson's developmental model.
Read more »
Personal Perspective: Is it time for us to drop into our bodies, free from delusion?Personal Perspective: In the face of wildfires and global chaos, Buddhist practices can help us shed unhelpful narratives. It's time to take the red pill and drop into our bodies.
Read more »
A Personal Perspective: Hashtags and labels only tell part of the sibling story.A Personal Perspective: For special needs siblings, the term "glass child" has raised awareness and support, but it has led to some misconceptions too.
Read more »
A Personal Perspective: Grief is shaped by the person we loved and lost.A Personal Perspective: When it comes to grief, there’s no "one size fits all." No two people grieve the same way.
Read more »