While adults who grew up with narcissistic parents can come across mature and in control, there are some developmental elements missing according to Erikson's developmental model.
abuse. When the abuser happened to be a parent, it was clear to me that they had missed out on some natural developmental stages. Instead of growing up as an individual with freedom of thought,are too pre-occupied with surviving, pleasing their narcissist and keeping themselves as safe as possible. There was no emotional and mental space left to tune into themselves.Growing up with a narcissistic mother, I recognise I stopped thinking for myself around the age of 6.
When I work with my clients, I tentatively ask them if it makes sense that they have missed out on a natural healthy development. If they recognise that, I ask them what age they feel they are… Usually it is between 5 and 7.The infant years are crucial for building trust and healthy attachments. If an infant needs of closeness, food and care are not met, they will have trust issues and difficulties relying on others.
The following toddler years are about becoming independent, doing your own things and being allowed to do that. In a narcissistic abusive environment, a child is there to play the role the narcissist wants them to play: the perfect child to show them off as the perfect parent and family. If not, ‘The pre-school years are about taking initiative and starting to have a voice and an opinion. Which means the parent is less in control, which is what a narc parent hates and will avoid at all cost.
For me, it meant I didn’t have real friends, my opinions were copies of my parents, I felt very insecure and found solace in bulimia. What I have experienced personally is what I also see reflected in most of my clients who are facing the challenges of an upbringing in a narcissistic dysfunctional family:A huge part of the healing work is about ‘growing up’ and taking the space to step into your own person and, has been a psychotherapist and life coach since 2001. She is from the Netherlands and currently lives in the U.K.There’s been a fundamental shift in how we define adulthood—and at what pace it occurs.
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