Personal Perspective: A simple message that lifts shame and transforms.
Celebrate their brain—the very thing they’ve been taught to see as broken—not general strengths.Timing and authenticity matter. Say this during moments of awe, not as a consolation for mistakes.With ADHD diagnoses up by the millions across kids, teens, and adults, so many people are in the same reality.
But what the statistics don’t show is how it feels to live on either side of this complex relationship.Too intense, too scattered, too messy, too loud, too quiet, too fast, too slow. Too much of something.Your person with ADHD has spent their waking time absorbing words like lazy, thoughtless, and unreliable into their skin. They call themselves even worse. So many sorrys. When time doesn’t move you forward like it’s supposed to, life is turbulent and half-finished. And here’s the truth: As fed up as you get with all of it, they are more. And they’re not just over it, they’re ashamed. People with ADHD often feel stuck in their ways. Set in their inefficient and uncontrolled patterns, like a plaster cast. Like this is just the way things are and how it's going to be. And that can create reluctance to try things that could help. I once, to my horror, left a milk carton in my car trunk for two weeks because I couldn’t even see it under all the junk. I thought the stench would travel with me forever.And as someone who loves someone with ADHD, you have more power than you realize to help break the mold. Because the stuff that drives you nuts comes from the same brain that makes them remarkable—it makes you love them. That all-over-the-place-ness leads to their mind-exploding ideas and solutions. And seeing connections others miss completely. Unbelievable art, and empathy that feels all the feelings. They might seem spaced out, but then drop the most insightful comment. It’s out of left field, but it changes everything.Honestly, your life is more interesting, unpredictable, or fun with them. That’s thanks to ADHD, not despite it.That’s it. Doesn’t need to be verbatim. Say something that feels authentic to you, but along these lines.This is different from mentioning their strengths:"You’re talented.” “You’re smart.” “You’re fun.” That’s still helpful, but not specific to their ADHD brain. You’re celebrating the very thing they’ve been taught to see as broken.than people without it. These few words can give a much-needed boost, pushing back on the negative messages that pry their way in.. It creates freedom to actually believe in your gifts and to use them more boldly. To share your ideas and take creative risks. To stop hiding parts of yourself.This is not just being nice—it changes the relationship. Partners feel closer. Parents see their kids start to believe in themselves. Friendships can open up.But timing matters. It won’t hit the same if they’ve just messed up, and it’s a consolation.Say it when they’ve just solved a problem in their off-the-wall way. Say it when they notice something you didn’t—because they were supposed to be payingAdd something specific, if you can. “I love how your brain kept working on that problem after I moved on. You came up with something I never would have!”And mean whatever you say. If you don’t genuinely appreciate how their brain works, spend some time noticing their unique process and contributions before saying anything.Loving someone with ADHD can be hard, and this doesn’t mean you have to pretend everything is wonderful all the time. Or that challenges aren’t there. Or that you can’t be frustrated, or have wants and needs from this person. You can and you should.But when you say you love how their brain works, you’re permitting them to love how their brain works, too. To love how they think and what they do—something they’re almost certainly not used to. And with that type of love for themselves, the “what’s possible” grows and comes alive. It becomes more exciting than daunting. They might struggle to finish that project. But what breakthrough will they have in the process?Danielson, M. L., Claussen, A. H., Bitsko, R. H., Katz, S. M., Newsome, K., Blumberg, S. J., Kogan, M. D., & Ghandour, R. . ADHD prevalence among U.S. children and adolescents in 2022:Pedersen, A. B., Edvardsen, B. V., Messina, S. M., Volden, M. R., Weyandt, L. L., & Lundervold, A. J. .Staley, B. S., Robinson, L. R., Claussen, A. H., Katz, S. M., Danielson, M. L., Summers, A. D., Farr, S. L., Blumberg, S. J., & Tinker, S. C. .Find an ADHD TherapistLife never gets easier. Fortunately, psychology is keeping up, uncovering new ways to maintain mental and physical health, and positivity and confidence, through manageable daily habits like these. How many are you ready to try?Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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