This personal dilemma explores two intertwined situations. The first involves a former friend, Barb, who re-entered the writer's life after a six-year silence with apologies that lack specificity. The writer grapples with feelings of manipulation and guilt while trying to decide whether to rekindle the relationship. The second situation centers on the writer's adult sons who plan to move back in after their leases expire. The writer seeks advice on establishing clear boundaries and expectations regarding their contribution and plan for staying.
My wife and I had a good friendship with a single woman, Barb, for about 20 years. We enjoyed her company, and she went with us on trips, sometimes with her boyfriend of the moment. She was always a bit problematic as, beside relationship troubles, she had health issues, but we were supportive, and we all had fun together.
My wife became seriously ill in her mid-60s, and Barb started showing up at odd times at our apartment to comment on my wife’s symptoms – “She’s gained so much weight!” “Her color looks so bad!” – while also asking for rides to her own doctor appointments, etc. This negative behavior became our only interaction. Fortunately, my wife made a complete recovery, but we distanced ourselves from Barb until we weren’t in each other’s lives anymore. Now, after six years of silence, we have started to get texts and other messages from her apologizing to us – but never saying what she’s sorry for – talking about her health issues and saying how much she loves us. Both of us feel manipulated, but also a bit guilty as she undoubtedly needs help and has no family and, in the past, has alienated other friends. I’m concerned for my wife as she is such a caring person and feels more guilty than I that we aren’t renewing our contact with Barb, but my feeling is we should continue to be silent to her overtures. I know that even to acknowledge her messages would encourage more of this. Another situation is developing as my sons, 22 and 20, will be coming for a visit in a few weeks. Both have stated that they do not wish to renew their rental lease. I love and like my boys. I would welcome them with open arms. But there have to be rules and boundaries. Is it too much to ask them to work part time instead of full time while they pursue their dreams and to pay a small amount of rent? I’m curious how we jumped from them visiting to them moving in with you, but I presume this is the result of many longer, more involved conversations. It’s wise for them to try to save money on rent by staying with family. But, as adults, they can and should also contribute to household expenses. And they should have a plan for how long they want to stay and how staying helps them achieve their financial goals. It’s fine to ask them about it. Indeed, your questions may prompt them to think through things they haven’t yet.
Friendship Apologies Boundaries Family Adult Children Expectations Financial Responsibility
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