AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have any kids with her? Oh, I bet she’s pregnant and not showing yet,” said passerby Brian Roland, one of millions across the country unable to make heads or tails of the woman who confusingly doesn’t appear to be on any kind of corporate track or have a husband or fiancé in sight with whom she’s currently planning to start a family. “I get if she’s barren, but then why isn’t she in a pantsuit, holding a briefcase, or shaking a lawyer’s hand? Oh, my God—what if she was on her way to the fertility clinic and got lost? We should send someone to help her.” At press time, the nation calmed down after deciding the woman was probably a nun who forgot her veil at home.
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