'There is your life before the death of your beloved spouse and your life after. The pain never fully goes away.'
"There is your life before the death of your beloved spouse and your life after. The pain never fully goes away."
Rebecca was feeling slightly less miserable, so after we shared wedding memories, she reminded me of what she expected of me as she imagined my life without her. She told me she wanted me to help our girls as much as I could, emotionally and financially; to remember her with love but not morbidity; and not to fall apart or be afraid to love again — because despite the pain, it would be worth it.
We’d recently gone to MD Anderson in Houston for a second opinion. When asked about potential treatments, the experts there said there was “nothing on the horizon anytime soon.” Rebecca had done fieldwork for her economics Ph.D. in the highlands of Ecuador, trying to help the country’s indigenous people get titles to their lands for credit. Later, she worked for the U.N. in Rome and consulted in Africa and South America. Even now, in the past year, she’d done extensive training with the Red Cross to assist people put out of their homes after fires.
Condolences came in from people all over the world: old colleagues in Rome, Ecuador, and Tanzania; friends from four continents; an elderly couple she’d recently met at a fire; lives she’d touched. We pulled off the complex memorial service, which Rebecca had planned in considerable detail. The service turned out well, but then the crowd was gone, and I was back to sleeping in the same bed, in the exact spot where she’d struggled — and where she’d at last found peace.
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