Did I really do so little for others? Why did someone selfless want to be with me, an apparently selfish person? Had I tricked him? Did he know who I really was? I spiraled, as I often do, but this one took me deeper
Photo: J.V. Aranda Years ago, my boyfriend and I moved into our first apartment together. I was unpacking dishes in the kitchen and whimpering from sciatica pain that made my left leg feel like a chainsaw was ripping it in half, when he called out, “Why don’t you come in here and take a break?” I dropped the empty foam dish sleeve I was holding and gratefully wandered to the living-room couch.
Time went on, and when our friends had babies, my boyfriend sent gifts and warm wishes written on delicate cards. He made conversation with our elderly landlord about her daughter who lived across the country. He showed up to birthdays and parties with homemade pies; one time he smuggled a chocolate-raspberry tart in a Fairway tote bag into the bar where our friend Marie was celebrating her birthday, because the bar didn’t allow outside food.
I asked him all of these questions, and even though he said he didn’t want to date anyone else, I needed a lot of reassurance that this was how he really felt. There were times when the anxiety I had at night was still there the next morning; I would lie in bed, waiting until he woke up so I could ask him if he was sure he didn’t want to leave me.
The doctor was blunt. “It’s okay if he’s a better person than you are,” he said. “But unless he’s given you a reason to believe he’s lying about wanting to be with you, you should trust him. You should trust that he’s capable of making his own decision to get to know you and like you.” I took the train home to Brooklyn, reading the printout the whole time. I felt lucky to have it, as if I had written to an advice columnist who’d chosen to answer my letter over hundreds of thousands of others. The next day, though, I found myself having anxiety about my own anxiety. Am I too crazy? I thought. I knew I had a choice. I could ask my boyfriend if I was too nuts for words , or I could just … not.
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