“I’ve become self-destructive. I’ve been blowing all my money. Showing up to work late or not at all. Going on benders. Avoiding house chores. Watching TV. I don’t want to be this way”
I am an emotionally and financially abusive person. Or at the very least, I think I am. And those thoughts are getting worse.
I attract a type, and I can always feel myself being manipulated. I am hypervisible at all the wrong moments. I am told, more often than not, that this is because I am extremely beautiful, that I come across as extremely intelligent, witty, and charismatic. And that those qualities, paired with my deep privilege to boot, ensure that people are always going to be noticing, watching, and expecting something from me.
It all started with my former best friend stealing my medication. I have a highly prized substance at my disposal, and she took the entire thing. Then she pretended like nothing happened and it was my fault for leaving it in the car. Addiction destroys your character, yes, but I’m not even sure she took it as an addict. She just took it because she could. And she wanted me to know that she took it.
This idea that I’m incapable and I deserve nothing has been imposed upon me as a means of validating other people’s behavior. As means to cover up abuses deep in my childhood that my family didn’t want to deal with and that I’m still not ready to talk about. Facing these truths became too much to bear. I am weak, fragile, and incapable of the greatness required to overcome them.
You’re like the Velveteen Rabbit: You don’t want to be coddled and imaginary and safe anymore. You want to be real. The problem with living inside an ego prison is that everything is boring: You’re boring, your cell is boring, everyone you view through the bars of your cell is boring. You don’t know how to connect. You don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, because you’re sure that you can’t survive on your own. That belief may have started with your family, but it lives inside of you now.
So move out. Stop working for your dad, don’t drink or smoke or use drugs, take your prescribed pharmaceuticals like clockwork , get exercise every single day, move into your own place, get a job somewhere, accept a paltry paycheck, and maybe do something odd with your hair or clothes. Be an outward freak who reflects the freak you are on the inside. Write down everything in your spare time. Make simple connections with people. Savor the awkwardness of these connections.
That said, it’s time for you to turn away from THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF and train your eyes on THE TRUTH ABOUT THE WORLD. Crawl outside of your prison and watch other people and take notes. They want things, too. They’re more interesting than you think they are. And they’re more broken than you think they are, too.
One of the side effects of past abuse is that you start to feel like you aren’t allowed to have any meaning in your life that’s internally created. When you’re a child, you naturally express your own meanings, your own bursts of joy. And other people have a way of snatching those meanings out of your hands and telling you to STOP. Abuse does this swiftly and efficiently: You are a vessel. You are something we use up and throw away. You might feel cherished, but it’s an illusion.
Like you, I look back now and I think, “No one really liked me.” But some people did. I didn’t value the people who loved me. I overvalued the people who withheld their love, who weren’t sure, who preferred to judge me, who saw that there was something messed up about me. And also? Use what you see in your art. Because you’re already an artist. The hard part is over, but the good hard part has just begun. This struggle will feel satisfying, because you’re constructing your new life all by yourself.
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