At the appointment, the nurse was upbeat, but when Tanner came back from the procedure, there was an energy shift. I recognize that now; I don’t think I did at the time.
shortly before Tanner’s death in June 2025. In honor of March being National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, Shay spoke withabout her husband’s early symptoms and the importance of raising awareness of colon cancer.
She also shared an update on what her life looks like today. The earliest symptom I remember my husband having is bright red blood when he went to the bathroom, about a year before he was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. We thought it was hemorrhoids. But over the next year, he started experiencing other symptoms. His stomach hurt. He would have to go to the bathroom a lot and never felt like he fully emptied himself. He also had lower back pain. We were going to the gym at the time, so we thought he had probably hurt his back lifting. Lower back pain is a semi-common symptom ofThen, Tanner started hemorrhaging blood. At that point, we already had a colonoscopy scheduled because he’d been to the doctor for the other symptoms. At the appointment, the nurse was upbeat, but when Tanner came back from the procedure, there was an energy shift. I recognize that now; I don’t think I did at the time. The doctor came in, pulled up a chair and sat. He said, “Tanner, we weren’t able to finish your colonoscopy because about 10 centimeters into your colon, there was a tumor that was blocking the entire colon. I’m 99% sure that it’s cancerous.” That was November 26, 2020. Over the next five years, Tanner had at least five different types of chemotherapy, and several rounds of radiation. He had a few major surgeries. He battled sepsis for eight months. We also lived life to the best ability we could. Tanner graduated with his bachelor’s degree. I earned my master’s degree. We traveled. We got pregnant with our daughter. When I was about six months pregnant, his treatment stopped working. AmyLou was born in May 2025. Tanner died the next month.More Related Stories I just went to Washington, D.C. to talk to members of Congress because colon cancer is the only cancer in the top five killers that. There’s this mindset that colon cancer is for old people, but it’s not anymore. I think people who are experiencing symptoms really need to advocate for themselves and pressure their doctors, and say, “I need a colonoscopy.” If Tanner and I had known the symptoms of colon cancer, we would have pushed more. But we didn’t, because we also didn’t think of colon cancer. I’m passionate about sharing the way Tanner and I approached cancer because we both lived our life and prepared for the end of life. We were very intentional and we had a lot of hard conversations. Do you want to stay on life support? If you die, what do you want me to do with your body? What do you want your funeral to be like? How do you want me to continue your legacy? I have a lot of widowed friends who did not have those conversations with their husbands before they died, and that’s really hard for them.I recently hosted my first not-for-profit widows retreat. It was a two-night lodge stay with 20 young widows under the age of 45 from all over the U.S. and Canada. We did yoga, we did a self-defense class, we did breathwork. A photographer took glamour shots, which was really fun. We had two presenters, a death doula who talked about holding rituals for our husbands, and a content creator who talked about loving after loss. Being a young widow is very isolating. Connecting these women to each other was the best part. A lot of them didn’t know anyone else who’d experienced what they had. Now they have 19 new friends who are also young widows. This is how I think of it: We’re not healed, but we’re not alone anymore. I hope to do this retreat every year. Four of the women at the retreat had also lost their husbands to colon cancer. Some had dealt with other cancers. But there were women who’d experienced sudden losses, too. They’re different experiences. What people think grief looks like, I experienced that when Tanner was alive. It’s called anticipatory grief. When Tanner died, I was grateful that he wasn’t suffering anymore. I’m sad that he’s not here, but I wouldn’t wish for him to be here in the condition that he was in. I definitely have days that are still difficult—like if I feel I’m forgetting him in any way. I cry a lot on those days because I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to forget his laugh. I don’t want to forget what he sounded like. That brings up a lot of grief for me. And when I think of AmyLou not knowing her dad, that’s hard for me. Tanner left videos and letters, and we really did our best to try to prevent her from feeling like she missed out on her dad, but of course she’s going to feel that. At the retreat, we talked numerous times about how our husbands are probably all hanging out in heaven. I think Tanner is proud of me for doing this work to connect with other people. Tanner loves attention; he always has. He probably loves that I’m hosting this retreat in his honor, in all these husbands’ honor. I think he probably felt some pride in that.
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