Prudie says: “Everyone was happy that the letter-writer’s mom died! Jesus!”
My dad spent nearly 40 years in a hellish marriage with my mom before she finally passed away following a sudden stroke two years ago. The entire family was glad to be rid of her, but what my dad has done since has left me reeling.
He is 73 years old, and he just announced his engagement to a woman younger than I am! I realize he lost what should have been the best years of his life to my mother, but I really think this is unwise. My brother says our dad has earned this and to let him enjoy it. The whole thing has me weirded out. Should I say something?So, I think there are a few layers to this question: Is the letter- writer right to be worried about her dad? Is he at an age at which it’s her job to be worried about him? And would saying something about that worry help in any way? I’m pretty certain the answer to the last question is no. And when it comes to being worried, we don’t have any details about the kinds of things people are normally concerned about in this type of situation—like the older partner being taken advantage of or used for his money or a power imbalance, or whatever.: I agree. I absolutely understand the LW’s concern, but I need some more information. Is there concern about the dad’s cognitive health? Or his decision-making? If he is otherwise of sound mind, I think he gets to do this. It’s understandably tough, and I do think , the LW could haveconversation about this with him. But it’s a delicate one, and has to be approached gently. I know that I always lean toward “talk it out.” Do you think there’s a path for one chat about this?: Do you know what we glossed right over? Everyone was happy that the letter-writer’s mom died! Jesus! I guess another consideration to throw into the mix is that there’s not a strong history of healthy, loving relationships in this family and expecting Dad to decide to have one now might not be the most reasonable thing. Letter Writer, whatever your concerns are about this woman, I think your best path forward is to pretend to be OK with the marriage, be nice to her and make her an ally. Assuming she’s not a total monster. She’s going to be around and she’s going to be taking care of your dad in his old age if this lasts, so you may as well embrace it.I Was Invited to a Friend’s Beach Vacation. What One Couple Plans to Do There Is Just Too Weird for Me!: Oh god we really did, didn’t we? “The entire family was glad to be rid of her” is a truly damning sentence. I think there is a way to say “Dad, I love you, and I want you to be happy—you really deserve that. But you have been through a lot, and I want to make sure you feel sure about this.” I don’t know, maybe I’m insane?: What about this: Tell me about Hailey. What do you like about her? How did you know she was the one? Something to kind of let him explain it to himself. Or realize he can’t explain it. Except that’s dumb, he’s just going to say “She’s beautiful and fun.” Sigh. I’ll accept your script.: I think that, men of a certain age were not socialized to be alone. And that he was probably going to marry again extremely quickly, but I do understand the impulse to try to put just a moment’s consideration into this. But I really do think the LW gets one shot, and then you gotta let it go. Also, if there is some question of a house or money that was intended for grandkids or other family, best to sort that out, stat.There’s a possibility that this woman is an old soul who loves your dad for who he is and wants nothing from him. We can
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