Dear How to Do It: My boyfriend tried to brush it off that his 34-year-old friend is carrying on with a 17-year-old girl.
I’m a straight woman in my mid-30s, and I’m dating “John,” who is about nine years younger than I am. He was brought up religious and married his first girlfriend, and well, shocker, that didn’t work out. It was a horrible time for him, and John still carries a lot of baggage from that. He has a good friend from that period of his life, “Anders,” who understands a lot of his hurt and is valuable to him because of that.
When John got off the phone later, I confronted him. He said that yes, it was weird, but then made a number of excuses for Anders being around with this girl. I asked if Anders was sleeping with her, and he said no, but could only vouch as proof that he “knew Anders wouldn’t.” When I asked if he thought Anders was waiting for this girl to turn 18, he couldn’t say no. The evening ended with me staring at John and saying “She was born in 2002” several times while he got increasingly flustered.
Your relationship with John is different than what Anders is doing for many reasons. But human brains are still developing significantly until around age 25, and John is just on the other side of that ledge. As much as it can be tempting to meddle in the emotional development of younger partners, you aren’t their parent and you never will be.
You don’t mention STI testing, so while you’re here, I’d like to mention that syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia rates are on the rise, and HIV is still a risk. Have you tried polyisoprene condoms? Or Lelo’s latex Hex condoms? Are the guys wearing the right size? I’m invested in finding you a condom that works for you, so write to me if I can help more.I’m a 46-year-old straight woman and I love sex.
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