'It feels good to not try and grip onto something I thought would be forever.'
“I want to be married and have a few kids by the time I’m twenty-five,” I told my college roommate in the early ‘90s as I watched her dry her hair. I was taking a drag of my Parliament 100s thinking,I had my whole wedding planned out before I even met my ex-husband. I didn’t just want to be a bride, though. I wanted to be a wife and wear a ring. I wanted to refer to someone as “my husband.” I wanted to take care of them and make sure the fridge was stocked and bake his favorite cookies.
I discussed our wedding for hours with my sisters. “I want you all to wear gold dresses and carry hydrangeas,” I told them over dinner at my mom’s house after we’d talked about getting married but before we were engaged. I was eager and couldn’t wait to be a bride and a wife. I knew what music I wanted as I walked down the aisle in a cascading veil, and of course, there’d be wine, cheese, and chocolate-covered strawberries being passed around during our fall wedding.
I got all of it: The veil I made myself , the barn reception with the wine and cheese, and most importantly, a man I trusted with everything. I thought marriage was the key to happiness — the vehicle to living a fulfilling life. When I got pregnant a few months after our nuptials, I was flower shopping with a married friend of mine. She was unhappy and falling for another man. “I can’t believe I’m going to be divorced. I just don’t want to be married anymore,” she told me.
She looked at my belly in my butter-yellow sweater, then her eyes met mine. “That will never be you though. You will never divorce.”After our son was born, I was watching a John Legend video on MTV, “Ordinary People.” There’s a scene where a couple is fighting. One of them is trying to leave and they are grabbing for their child as the other one holds it.
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