“Welcome to New York Fitness! Have I seen you at the gym before? I don’t think so.”
Hello! You—yes, you, the person desperately trying to avoid eye contact with me. Welcome to New York Fitness! Have I seen you at the gym before? I don’t think so. You look new—slightly uneasy, mildly confused, uncomfortably full from your last meal. Like a lost bear who rummaged through the trash at one too many campsites. You have a look that says, “I’m the type of person who keeps chocolate out of reach but then constantly gets up and walks over to it for more bites.
What are you planning to do out there? The elliptical for twenty minutes? Gotcha, gotcha. . . . What resistance? . . . Resistance makes it too hard to focus while you watch “Better Call Saul”? . . . Gotcha. . . . Oh, no, nothing. It’s just that, ya know, notday should be light cardio. Some days, it’s good to break a sweat. . . . Oh, you don’t like to sweat because you don’t want to have to wash your hair? Gotcha.
Hey, did you know that I offer private training sessions? They come in packs of twenty-five. We think of that as about two weeks’ worth. They’re expensive, but can you really put a price tag on not dropping dead at forty while eating leftover Chinese food, standing over the sink? Not that I’m sayingBesides, you look successful enough to afford private sessions! What did you say you do, again? A comedy writer—wow! That’s cool! What do you write for? Oh, no, I haven’t heard of that show. . . .
You want to work out on your own? Hey, that’s cool. I get it, I get it. Some people are just here to Netflix and chill. I’m going to follow you around and watch you do your thing, though, so that I’m ready to jump in whenever you decide you want to work out for real.
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