Do you and your partner have the same arguments over and over again? What a psychologist wants you to know:
You and your partner have the same arguments over and over again. Maybe there are particular hot topics, or maybe you argue about pretty much everything. Either way, there is a good chance that the topics you are arguing about are not what’s keeping you locked in battle. Instead, the true problems are likely below the surface, feeding tensions that arise between you. As I explain in a briefTwo very common culprits are misunderstanding and miscommunication.
For instance, during stressful times, Jessica helps herself feel calm by keeping her home organized. She really hates messes because they are unsettling for her. Unfortunately, when she moved in with Anna, this became a source of contention. Jessica would feel disrespected by Anna, who was constantly leaving things all over. And when Jessica would get on Anna’s case about needing to clean up, Anna would get frustrated and see Jessica as controlling.
The solution to such arguments is often to take time apart in order to calm down, and for each partner to reflect on what is really going on inside of them and the other. Then, if they come back together with an openness to hearing each other out, they are more likely to work together to resolve the conflict.
This approach worked for Jessica and Anna. On a quiet Saturday afternoon, Jessica let Anna know she wanted to talk. She explained that her need for the apartment to be organized was not about dictating what Anna should do, but rather because she was just trying to feel “organized” and at peace inside of herself. When stated this way, by talking about herself and not so much about Anna’s behaviors, Anna understood Jessica’s need to “have a place for everything and everything in its place.
To apply this approach to your relationship, let the caring between you and your partner be your motivation to think more deeply about your conflicts. It is helpful to be diplomatic in expressing your thoughts and feelings, and to be open to your partner’s experience. As a result of communicating more effectively, you will both be happier in your life together.Blog Topics:
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