Only one thing makes sense.
Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers.My relationship with my girlfriend is breaking down. We both acknowledge this and are starting to talk about living apart.
The one thing we disagree on is the custody of our dog. For most of his life, I’ve been his main caretaker: food and vet bills, walks, daily care. I work from home, and I’m a homebody. My girlfriend works in an office, travels regularly for business, and is involved in a lot of social events. I think I should keep the dog with me when I move. I don’t object to her picking him up for weekends and days she can actually take care of him. She disagrees. Her suggestion is that I come over to her place to walk him during the day —I think that’s preposterous. Or am I the one who’s preposterous?I think you should keep the dog and that your ex-girlfriend’s suggestion that she get custody of the dog while you continue to do all the work for her is ridiculous. Commuting to an ex’s apartment on a daily basis is an absurd condition. Imagine how frustrated you’ll be a year from now having to coordinate dog custody. That said, you didn’t need me to tell you this. I think you were only seeking backup to help make your case and to figure out how far you should be willing to fight her on this. You have a reasonable argument to make: You have more time to devote to the dog’s care, work from home and can spend most of the day with him, have historically paid for his daily upkeep, and are open to reasonable visitation from her. Your ex has no reasonable counterargument; she merelyto have him. Ask her to put aside her feelings for the moment and consider the dog’s best interests—if she were presented with two different candidates to give the dog to, without knowing either person, would she choose the frequent traveler who’s rarely at home, or the person better positioned to give your dog lots of attention and affection?Please keep questions short , and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.I just got out of the wreckage of a five-year marriage. My husband blatantly carried on an affair for two years with a young woman I considered my protégé. I counseled her on her career, recommended her special projects, and invited her into my home. I came home unexpectedly early one day and found them together in bed. Apparently everyone knew—neighbors, colleagues, mutual friends. I was so humiliated, I fled town, transferred to out of state, and only communicated to my ex via my lawyer. A few friends kept me informed—she was pregnant, they were engaged, and just waiting for the ink to dry so they could have a wedding. Then my ex drove drunk and ended up crashing into a semi. She lost the baby, and my ex-husband lost his right leg. After I heard the news, I cried tears of joy. I was so fiercely happy that it scared me. I used to be a kind person, a good person—now I don’t know. I haven’t told anyone; it is a sick, sad secret I don’t want to give up. I try to move forward and concentrate on my new house and new job, but then I get an impulse to look on Facebook and gloat to myself or call my friends and fish for more details on their misery. What is wrong with me?The human condition is what is wrong with you, and you are not alone. I don’t think this is an impulse that should dictate your behavior, but I don’t think it’s a sign that you are irredeemably broken or incapable of empathy. Your ex-husband and ex-protégé hurt you badly, and now they are hurting badly; the wounded-animal part of your brain that rejoices in their suffering is not your best and highest self, but it’s an instinct I think most readers of this column can identify with. This is part of why I myself am often anxious about experiencing anger—there is a part of me that does not simply want to see justice done or boundaries honored. There is a part of me that wants to punish anyone I perceive to have wronged me without a thought for proportion. It is so easy to take delight in anger, to want to see someone suffer not just in the same amount he or she brought suffering to us, but forever and in a way that does not abate when we see his or her suffering come to pass. This is not an impulse that we should encourage in ourselves. I think therapy would be extremely useful to you at this juncture. It would help you deal with these troubling emotions, as well as acknowledge the very real hurt you yourself experienced quite recently. You will not, I think, ever find yourself rid of a desire to inflict pain on the people who have hurt you, but you will find a healthy way to acknowledge and set it aside and not to encourage yourself to dwell on the details of their misery.My husband and I are both very committed to being child-free. Our conservative, reactionary family is not. We avoided the arguments, lectures, and condescension by using “not yet” as the answer for years. Now we have gotten into our mid-30s, we have changed from “not yet” to “not possible” in order to get around the “you’re not getting any younger” arguments. Most people respect that, but my sister-in-law had fertility problems. She is on a crusade to get me pregnant. She will badger me about our “problems,” talk about IVF, and natter on about adoption even as we ask for her to drop the subject.She is opinionated, zealous, and overly invested in the ideal of motherhood. I am dreading Thanksgiving. Being honest with her is a no go; it will cause a bigger problem than this. I am ready to fake cry and lock myself in the bathroom if it will get her to leave my husband and me alone. I just want peace or at least the illusion of peace before we can go take our Christmas trip to Hawaii. What do I do?I’d normally advise you to come up with a polite rebuff to well-meaning questions, but if your sister-in-law is truly incapable of having a conversation with you without trying to ensure you’re pregnant by the end of it, you should reconsider spending the holidays with her. If locking yourself in the bathroom is a likely outcome of spending Thanksgiving with your family, it might be kinder and less stressful for everyone involved if you make alternate arrangements.My 18-Month-Old’s Doctor Says He Has a Speech Delay. My Mother-in-Law Is Making an Incredibly Bizarre Claim About It.My Husband Walked In On Me Doing Something Naughty, but Necessary. His Reaction Says All You Need to Know About Our Sex Life. I also urge you to consider being honest with her ; it doesn’t sound like your slightly evasive policy has actually resulted in hearing fewer arguments, just different ones. You don’t have to have this out before the holidays, but I think you should—at least once—tell them that you don’t want to have children, so that you’re not giving them false hope that you might be persuaded. After that, if they start going into the old routine, you can always draw a hard line and say, “We’ve made it clear that we don’t want children, and we’re not interested in arguing the point. As far as we’re concerned, the topic is closed,” then leave the conversation if you have to. What an exhausting battle they’ve chosen to wage! Take more trips to Hawaii, and fewer trips to hear guilt-inducing lectures from your relatives, at least until they can learn to stop micromanaging your fertility.My best friend since college died suddenly. Prior to her death we had talked about my getting custody of her children in the event of such an occurrence. She was a single mother by choice and fortunately could afford to do it. I have been with her from Day 1 and have watched her babies grow up and consider them to be as much mine as hers. She had been estranged from her family for many years so there was never any question as to who would care for them if she was unable. Some months before the accident I became engaged,
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