Why do we react like this — swatting away each other’s worries almost by instinct?
Photo-Illustration: by The Cut; Photos: Getty Images When I was pregnant last year, people constantly asked me, “Are you excited?!” Which, with all due respect, is a dumb question in almost any context. I waffled between giving the answer people wanted or the truth: I was delighted to be having a baby, but no, I was not excited.
The term was popularized by Whitney Goodman, a psychotherapist with a large Instagram following and, as of February, a whole book on the topic: Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed With Being Happy. “The core of toxic positivity is that it’s dismissive and it shuts down the conversation,” she writes. “It effectively says, ‘Nope, that feeling you’re experiencing, it’s wrong — and here’s why you should be happy instead.
Part of it is conditioning: Society teaches us that putting positive vibes out in the world attracts them back, like a happy boomerang. Plus, sometimes people really are looking for reassurance and good energy. I have days when all I want is for someone I love to give me a pep talk or distract me with a cat video and then send me on my way.
So, what to do when that happens? You can’t confront every instance of toxic positivity — it’s too pervasive. And it’s probably not worth your energy to lecture your overly perky co-worker or platitude-spouting aunt on the merits of tolerating hard emotions. “But I think when it comes to a spouse or a close friend or a parent, you might think, It’s going to be really hard for me to get support from this person if I don’t talk to them about this,” says Goodman.
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