Workplace advice: Compassion doesn’t require participation. You can care about her and still not have the capacity for her stories at work.
One of my coworkers shares deeply personal details about her life in meetings. Divorce updates, medical procedures and how she’s navigating all of it. She’s always so excited to tell us and expects the rest of us to be interested and happy for her.
At first, I tried to be supportive. So did everyone else. Now we exchange uncomfortable looks when she starts talking, like we’re all bracing for impact and want to find the quickest exit. I feel bad for her. I know she has a lot going on and just needs someone to listen, but I dread when she says, “I’d like to share something.” While I like her, I just don’t have the time, the interest or the bandwidth to take part in conversations like this at work. Lately she’s taken to coming into my office, and while I want to be kind, she doesn’t get subtle hints, like my saying “I don’t have time” or “I need to finish this project” and turning away from her. The only thing that seems to work is saying, “I need to leave for a meeting,” and then leaving. We’re too small to have an HR officer, and when I’ve talked about this with our branch manager, he’s said, “Be nice. Work it out among yourselves.”When you listen for an extended period, nod or say, “That sounds hard,” you signal you’re interested and reinforce her behavior. To her, that reads as “keep going.” The next time she veers into personal territory, gently steer her back with “I need to focus on work; is there a task you need help with?” Keep your tone warm and your words clear.When you tell her “I don’t have time,” she interprets that as a scheduling issue and hears “Try again later.” When she ignores your turning away to focus on a project, it reveals she doesn’t pick up on subtle clues. You need to reset the boundary back to a work focus in a way that can’t be misinterpreted.She likely needs more support than she’s getting — real support, not fake listening. You can signal both care and limits at the same time by saying, “I like you as a teammate but need to keep my workday focused.” You’ll find additional strategies on how to bring up touchy subjects like this in Chapter 12 of “ If you have a reasonably good relationship with her, a private, respectful conversation can go a long way. Consider saying, “You deserve people who can really show up for these conversations, and work isn’t always the best place for that.”Once your team sets norms, you can say, “Can we stick to the agenda, so we get through everything?” Framed this way, you’re supporting the group, not singling her out.This is the uncomfortable truth underneath your question: She may be looking for support she’s not getting elsewhere. Real support. When one person consistently uses work colleagues for emotional support, it creates fatigue for the coworkers and still doesn’t give the person what they actually need.Compassion doesn’t require participation. You can care about her and still not have the capacity for her stories at work. You can be kind while setting clear boundaries and steering the conversation back to work. If all else fails, when your coworker next says, “I’d like to share something,” smile and say, “I’m all in, as long as it helps us get our work done.”Lynne Curry writes a weekly column on workplace issues. She is author of “Navigating Conflict,” “Managing for Accountability,” “Beating the Workplace Bully, and “Solutions.” Submit questions at workplacecoachblog.com/ask-a-coach or follow her at workplacecoachblog.com, lynnecurryauthor.com or lynnewriter10.substack.com.Asking Eric: My friend and I can’t get on the same page about communication
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