(Our aunt) wants to send us pictures and other items of his. When we try to tell her we don’t want these (things), she becomes defensive.
DEAR ANNIE: My older brother and I have been dealing with a touchy situation for years. We are both adopted; our parents divorced when we were very young, and they both remarried.
After the divorce, we lost touch with our adoptive father’s family until around 1995. My adoptive father remained overseas with his new wife for most of our lives and only paid child support until our 18th birthdays. When he did return stateside, he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me or my brother.
She constantly wants to send us pictures and other items of his, such as the American flag he received after his death. When we try to tell her we don’t want these mementos, she becomes defensive, even asking why. It’s hard to put into words why my brother and I don’t want these painful reminders of a man who didn’t care about us and was abusive. Add to that, when we get together , our aunt and grandmother constantly bad-mouthed our mother about her issues and how she raised us.
DEAR STRUGGLING: Not wanting mementos of an abusive and absent father is very understandable. Your aunt’s defensiveness has nothing to do with you and your brother and everything to do with her lack of compassion and empathy for the trauma that you endured as a result of your father’s abuse.
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