Advice from Annie Lane.
I have two daughters in university. When they’re home, they stay in their rooms or maybe talk to friends on the phone. They hardly talk to me. They go back to school and I’m home alone. I really miss them.
They come back for the holidays again and it’s the same cycle. At the same time, I’m dealing with the trauma of infidelity. My husband had a secret affair, and I found out the woman has a child with him, too. I have started having serious heart palpitations after finding out about his infidelity. I asked him to leave the house in order to protect my sanity. I’m now in the process of a divorce. I cannot forgive him. I cannot continue to be under the same roof with a cheating husband. I feel so alone. I’m thinking of taking up a hobby, maybe joining a book club. I just don’t know. I’m 51 years old, and I’m a high school teacher.ADVERTISEMENT: You’re facing more than one heartbreak at the same time, and it’s no wonder you feel alone. Children pulling away, a marriage ending in betrayal and the physical effects of stress would leave anyone shaken. Your daughters’ distance, while painful, is common at their age and not a reflection of your value as a mother. Still, it’s fair to tell them you miss them and would welcome some intentional time together. You were right to protect your sanity by asking your husband to leave. Therapy would be a wise next step. The Psychology Today website offers a “therapist finder” tool, which lets you search by location, specialty and insurance. Many therapists now offer virtual sessions, so geography doesn’t have to stand in your way.At 51, you are far from finished. This painful chapter does not define the whole book. Take care of yourself, reach for support and trust that happier days are still ahead.: I recently hosted Christmas dinner for the first time in years. I cooked all day, set the table carefully and looked forward to having everyone together. My adult children arrived late, stayed glued to their phones, ate quickly and left within two hours to meet friends. No one helped clean up. No one asked how I was doing.I don’t want to guilt my children or demand attention, but I also don’t want to keep swallowing this feeling. How do I speak up without pushing them further away?: Adult children can be thoughtless without being unloving. They rush, assume Mom is fine and don’t notice what’s missing unless it’s pointed out. Tell them how you feel, and give them the chance to do better. Going forward, be clearer about your needs. Ask for help. Ask for phones down at dinner. And if hosting leaves you drained and sad, change how you do it -- or don’t do it at all.Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems. She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.com
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