Advice from Annie Lane.
I’m writing because I feel embarrassed even admitting this, but I’m starting to dread parts of my own life that I worked hard to build. I’m 52, married for 24 years, and we have two grown kids who are mostly launched.
Our son is across the country and our daughter lives close enough to drop by for Sunday dinner. I used to look forward to this “quieter season,” but instead I feel like the silence in our house is highlighting how far apart my husband and I have drifted. From the outside, people would say we’re lucky. My husband is decent, we’re financially stable, and our friends think we’re “solid.” But lately, I feel lonely in a way I can’t quite explain. We talk about logistics all day long: who’s picking up groceries, whose turn it is to visit his mother, what we’re doing this weekend. He’s not unkind, but he’s distant. Most nights he falls asleep on the couch with the TV on and his phone in his hand. I go upstairs alone and scroll through old photos of us when we seemed like a team. What hurts is how invisible I feel. I’ll get dressed up, light a candle, even make his favorite meal, and he’ll barely look up. When I try to share something personal, he changes the subject or turns it into a joke. If I suggest a date night, he says he’s tired or suggests we invite another couple. I’ve started telling myself, “Don’t expect too much,” but then I catch myself tearing up in the car after a perfectly normal dinner. I don’t want to threaten divorce. I don’t want to nag. I also don’t want to spend the next 20 years starving for affection and calling it normal. How do I bring this up in a way that actually changes something? And if he still doesn’t meet me halfway, how do I decide what to do next?First, there’s nothing embarrassing about wanting tenderness, attention and real companionship in your own marriage. You’re not asking for a parade. You’re asking to feel seen. Empty nesting can expose what busyness used to cover. When the kids are grown, there’s no schedule to hide behind, and “we’re fine” starts to feel like a quiet kind of heartbreak. Pick a calm, ordinary moment and speak plainly. Don’t be accusatory, but say something truthful like, “I miss you. I feel lonely even when we’re in the same room. I don’t want us to become roommates.” Then ask a direct question that requires more than a shrug: “Are you willing to work on this with me?” Be specific about what would help, whether it’s one planned date a week, phones away at dinner, going to bed at the same time a few nights or going on a walk together where you actually talk. Small habits rebuild closeness faster than one grand speech.And if he’s willing but doesn’t know how, a couples counselor can give you both tools and a neutral place to speak. You don’t have to threaten divorce to ask for change. You just have to stop pretending you can live on crumbs.Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems. She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.com White House says military force is ‘always an option’ in Greenland as European leaders reject idea of a U.S. takeover Asking Eric: My wife and I can’t agree on whether to charge friends a cleaning fee for staying in our guest house
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Dear Annie: My social life feels empty despite a full calendarA reader is lonely feeling like the backup friend.
Read more »
Dear Annie: I feel like the ‘backup friend’ who’s never fully includedAdvice from Annie Lane.
Read more »
Dear Annie: I’m losing my best friend and she says everything is fineA reader feels her best friend pulling away and she doesn't know what to do.
Read more »
Dear Annie: I clicked on my husband’s email and now I feel sickIn today's Dear Annie column, a wife finds affectionate emails between her husband and an old flame and wonders if it’s harmless nostalgia or a warning sign of deeper trouble.
Read more »
Dear Annie: I’m tired of being the backup friend who gets left outIn today's Dear Annie column, a lonely parent in their late 40s feels like the “backup friend” and asks how to find real connection or make peace with always being left out.
Read more »
Dear Annie: I’m losing my best friend and I don’t know what to doIn today's Dear Annie column, a woman worries her longtime best friend is drifting away and asks how to cope when one-sided effort replaces closeness, and nothing is acknowledged.
Read more »