Advice from Annie Lane.
My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have five adopted children through foster care. We have gone through a lot of tough situations with the children during the last six years, which put a lot of pressure on our marriage, including financially. During that time, my husband lashed out at me frequently. He has said many times that he resents me because of the kids, although he was always in agreement with what we were doing and pursuing.
We’ve gone through four therapists because he always quits when he hears what he doesn’t want to hear. He even got to the point where he would only want to have sex with me without a kiss or hug or anything. Since we’ve begun to turn a corner on the troubles, he has said he is sorry many times and has been really working to get back to his old self and break habits. He’s actually been pretty good.
The problem is, for self-preservation, I shut him off a long time ago, and now I’m struggling to feel any type of emotional or physical connection to him. I hung in there through all the abuse, thinking he would turn it around, but now that he has, I don’t even care. Do I just need to give it more time or is this change in him just too little too late?What you need to do is give yourself more time to heal. Be compassionate with your reactions to your husband.
I had a stillborn baby and he cheated because “I wasn’t any fun.” The neglect, no backup, dismissals, all matched mine. I spent 30 years with him because I couldn’t figure out how to find the exit, how to leave, and because we had children together I was concerned for.Now I am 70 and can give feedback in hindsight. My huge regret is the time I gave to him. The time I cannot get back. Forgiving myself for that is my current challenge.
He is not more important than you are. Your 40s are a wonderful time to start over. You have already left. Have the courage to stay up north and build a new life. Trust me, you will never look back.That took a great deal of courage on your part. Thank you for sharing your letter. I’m very sorry for the loss of your baby and that you didn’t have a partner who was kind and empathetic to you.Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems.
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