Advice from Annie Lane.
I have a longtime friend who has serious trouble with gifts. It is very difficult to give her anything because she insists on “evening the score” by responding with a gift back to the giver. For instance, we comfortably exchanged token holiday gifts at my place, but my husband learned she liked a certain special candy we had on hand, so he gave her a box. She tried to turn down this gift and even checked on her phone to see what it had cost.
Two days later, she showed up at our condo with a beautiful but unexpected handmade item she had just created for us . She also will always slip me a $20 bill whenever I drive us to an event to which we are going anyway and that’s 25 minutes away. If I say “thanks, but no need,” she will hide it in my purse or tuck it somewhere I will discover later.
This makes me very uncomfortable as it seems she can’t accept a present of any kind if she feels she is beholden. I have thanked her and told her this is unnecessary , but this is a real issue with her that is getting worse. By the way, she is like this with everyone and showers her family with items although they have asked her to stop. I’m beginning to not want to go places with her, and any casual gift-giving is fraught with anxiety.
The next time you find yourself in one of these gift-giving dances with her, try having a serious one-on-one talk about how it makes you feel. Maybe she just needs a reminder that real, meaningful relationships aren’t transactional. It might be better for your friendship if you two start showing your love for each other in nonmaterial ways.I am a survivor of some rather extreme physical and sexual abuse.
At the end of the day, your true friends will respect your wishes and your space, no questions asked.Annie Lane offers common-sense solutions to everyday problems. She's firm, funny and sympathetic, echoing the style of her biggest inspiration, Ann Landers. She lives outside Manhattan with her husband, two kids and two dogs. When not writing, she devotes her time to play dates and Play-Doh. Write her: dearannie@creators.
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