How does one help an elderly parent feel comfortable talking about end-of-life care choices?
DEAR ABBY: My mom turns 85 this year. When my father died of congestive heart failure 10 years ago, our family had a clear understanding of Dad’s wishes about the end-of-life care he wanted. We knew he didn’t want “heroic measures,” like a feeding tube or to be on a ventilator. Since Dad had been sick for a few years and he was open to these discussions, Mom felt confident making choices for his care when he could no longer communicate his wishes.
With Mom, it is a completely different story. She refuses to have conversations about this with my siblings and me, and accuses us of being “morbid.” Although she has a will, she has made no decisions about a proxy or for her care. Do you have any suggestions for how we can help Mom feel more comfortable having these conversations and documenting her wishes? -- LOVING, NOT MORBID, DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Offer your mother resources that normalize discussions about end-of-life wishes and care. Helping to ensure that she receives the care she wants is not morbid. It is a gift to her and your family. If something happens to a loved one and they can no longer communicate for themselves, you should not have to guess what their wishes would be in a crisis.
Start with the perfect gift for Mom: “Finish Strong: Putting Your Priorities First at Life’s End,” a book written by Barbara Coombs Lee, the president emerita and senior adviser of Compassion & Choices. Compassion & Choices is an organization I have mentioned before in my column and to which I contribute. It offers a multitude of resources, including “My End-of-Life Decisions: An Advance Planning Guide and Toolkit.” It would be a helpful starting point for a discussion with your mother.
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