A long-distance daughter feels stuck between her aging mom’s guilt trips and her sister’s “righteous indignation.”
Our mother is fearful to burden my sister with anything, yet piles on the guilt to me that she has to go to medical procedures all alone. I get this is a sandwich generation issue, but it’s also a sibling issue that I can’t tackle.“Powerless”? No. You can tackle it: Make not even the “slightest suggestion” that “she help out our mother.” Ever.
When a cancer survivor with special-needs children at home is the only one local to a sick, elderly, widowed mom,gets to step in to tell her she needs to do more. Especially not the person who lives out of reach of all the most soul-sucking work. If you have the means, then offer money toward your mother’s care — for a home health aide, a visiting nurse, a housekeeper, a meal delivery service. Or pick up the chores you can do remotely, such as ordering groceries for delivery or managing insurance and prescriptions. Even a nominal contribution is a show of good faith, much more so than resigning yourself to helplessness beyond telling your sib what to do.Your mom, by the way, is the one stirring this pot, and it’s totally inappropriate.
· Fully agree that it’s a terrible idea to make helpy suggestions that add to Sister’s list. One thing you can do from afar is reach out to the local council on aging and discover what services might be available for Mom. Then, with Mom’s buy-in, line them up and be the main contact. · You can tackle it. You just don’t want to. There are plenty of things you can do that don’t involve your sister. For some reason, you and your mom want to stick your sister with these responsibilities.
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