“Once a week I play volleyball with the person my friend says has been harassing and stalking her.”
A good friend of 30 years lashed out at me. During a group dinner she announced that she was going to apply for a restraining order against someone who has been harassing and stalking her.
Once a week I play volleyball with that person. The person sometimes tries to talk to me about my good friend. I tell that person not to do that, and I stay out of that issue. He never admitted to me of harassing or stalking my friend.
During the dinner my good friend asked everyone for supporting declarations. I declined to do so because I’ve been a lawyer for 40 years and had extensive experience in restraining orders. I know that my declaration would not benefit her application for the restraining order, as I had no personal knowledge of his harassing or stalking my friend. She told me I was not her friend, and she did not want to do anything with me.
This really shocked me. I think it is my business who I play volleyball with. In the past I offered her my help in drafting the application for a restraining order. I hope she prevails in her request now, and had she asked me I would have assisted her in drafting it in a lawyer-like manner.
I’m not sure how to respond to her anger. If you have extensive experience in restraining orders, it’s surprising that you don’t see how your volleyball friend has conscripted you into his alleged stalking. You write that you tell him not to ask about your good friend and then “stay out of the issue.
” If you know there’s an issue, or suspect there is, and have been made uncomfortable by the volleyball friend’s request, then I’d expect you’d be more empathetic to your good friend’s request. It doesn’t sound like your good friend is asking you to be judge and jury. It sounds like she’s expressing the very real fear and concern that stalking and harassment provoke and you’ve responded in a way that downplays her concerns.
I know that you offered to help draft the restraining order in the past. It’s important to recognize that’s not the support she asked for right now. If there’s any contact between you going forward, she’ll likely have trouble trusting you, so that’s something you should consider and attempt to address with an apology.
One more thing to think about: if you’re willing to help draft a restraining order against a friend, it suggests that you don’t think the order is without merit. So, you should ask yourself why you’d want to continue a friendship with that person. On a recent visit at my daughter’s home, I saw that the drywall in her house had recently been repaired. The repair was to both sides of a wall.
When I asked my daughter about it, she said her husband had damaged the wall when he got angry about something but immediately assured me that he had never hit a person. Needless to say, I am very concerned about her husband’s issues with anger management after this incident. They have one child, a toddler, and I visit their home overnight on a regular basis to provide childcare.
I am worried that if I express too much concern to my daughter, she may tell her husband and my access to my grandchild may be affected. I have seen other signs of inappropriate anger from my son-in-law, sometimes directed at my daughter but more often at other people. I have not said anything to anyone about these concerns, but this is the first time I have seen his anger manifest into this type of property damage.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Even if your son-in-law hasn’t been physically violent toward your daughter, his angry outbursts create a dangerous environment for her and for your grandchild. As someone who is sometimes in the house overnight, it’s also potentially dangerous for you, too. So, you’re right to be concerned.
Start by talking with her, prioritizing listening and a nonjudgmental position. Helping a family member to see that they’re in a potentially abusive situation requires that they trust you and see you as a resource. It may be slower going than you would like. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has more helpful guidance for how to have these conversations.
If he decides to limit your access to your grandchild, that’s the kind of isolating behavior that’s a hallmark of emotional abuse. Suggest that she create a safety plan, guidance for which can also be found on the Hotline’s site. And encourage her to talk with others, as well. This isn’t something that you should take on by yourself.
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