A short history of nearly everything that has happened on 'Game of Thrones' so far
By Travis M. Andrews Travis M. Andrews Pop culture reporter covering music, movies, TV, comedy and celebrity culture Email Bio Follow April 10 at 7:00 AM This is my attempt to summarize the first seven seasons of “Game of Thrones,” a show with three dragons and five million humans, all of whom have pedigrees and plotlines that make the genealogies of Genesis look like “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.” What a terrible idea! Let’s begin.
Over on the continent Essos, the exiled Prince Viserys Targaryen and his sister, Daenerys, the remaining two members of the Targaryen dynasty , are hanging out. Because this is Season 1 and no one has told the showrunners to tone down the excessive, gratuitous and deeply misogynistic nudity yet, Viserys is literally examining Daenerys’s naked body in preparation to marry her off to Aquaman — err, Khal Drogo — in exchange for his army.
Meanwhile, King Joffrey demands that all of Robert’s bastard children be killed — which they are, save for a teenage blacksmith named Gendry, who escapes with Arya. The two are later attacked by Lannister soldiers and taken prisoner. Arya tricks their captors into thinking some dead guy is the real Gendry, allowing the real real Gendry to be spared. Tywin Lannister later happens by and chooses Arya and Gendry as his servants .
Theon Greyjoy goes to his dad’s island kingdom to try to get more soldiers for Robb’s war. But his dad doesn’t accept him, so Theon decides to go back and briefly take over Winterfell, a.k.a. Robb Stark’s empty house, to prove he’s a real Greyjoy. He pretends to kill Bran and Rickon Stark, Robb’s little brothers, to prove he means business. Theon is an idiot.
Then there’s the Red Wedding between Roslin Frey and Edmure Tully, at which the Freys and the Boltons show pretty poor wedding etiquette and murder, like, everyone! That includes Robb Stark, Robb Stark’s wife, Robb Stark’s mom, Robb Stark’s important army people, and Robb Stark’s dog. Then they chopped off the dog’s head and put it on Robb Stark’s body. Then they all danced and sang along to “Shout” by the Isley Brothers .
Oh yeah, and the Mountain is poisoned by Oberyn’s blade and later becomes Cersei’s pet zombie. Speaking of that wino, Cersei and Jaime have their first falling out when Cersei, convinced that Tyrion killed her son, orders Jaime to kill Sansa . Instead, Jaime gives Oathkeeper to Brienne and asks her to watch over Sansa. He keeps Widow’s Wail for himself.
The loose ends: Melisandre’s tactics grow more severe: She burns several of Stannis’s soldiers alive as a sacrifice to the Lord of Light, to the horror of Davos and Stannis’s daughter, Shireen. An ocean away, Daenerys captures an Essos city called Meereen and frees the slaves there. She decides to put a pin in her plan to take over Westeros, instead sticking around Slaver’s Bay, where she becomes queen.
Then there’s the Dorne plotlines, the less mentioned the better. Basically Jaime and his friend Bronn go down there to find Myrcella, who is promised to Doran Martell’s son. They meet Ellaria Sand and her one-dimensional daughters, the Sand Snakes. There’s a lot of back and forth and betrayal and such, finally ending when the Snakes kill Myrcella.
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