A person shares their personal experience of not feeling a connection to their late mother and their father, who had multiple relationships and children outside of his marriage. They express their belief that it's wrong to bring children into the world without emotional support and stability.
I’m part of a family group chat, and recently, my relatives were celebrating what would have been my late mother’s 91st birthday. As I read through it, I realized I don’t feel any connection to her at all.
She died when I was just a baby, and I was raised by my aunt in eastern Washington. I never had a relationship with my mother. My father was also complicated — he had multiple relationships and children outside of his marriage, and I never felt a strong emotional connection to him either. Because of that, I’ve come to believe it’s wrong to bring children into the world if you can’t provide them with emotional support and stability.
And I don’t feel comfortable honoring or acknowledging either of my parents because of how things played out. You’re asking a moral question, but underneath it is something more personal: How do you make sense of two people who gave you life but not the connection, care, or support you needed? That’s so painful, and it’s not wrong to feel the way you do.
You didn’t have the chance to form a relationship with your mother, and by your account, your father wasn’t able to provide the emotional support a child deserves. Your feelings aren’t moral failures — they reflect what you experienced and what you didn’t receive. At the same time, your relatives are remembering your mother from their own perspective — one shaped by years of memories you didn’t have. Their version doesn’t invalidate yours, and yours doesn’t invalidate theirs.
It simply means multiple truths can exist at once. You’re not required to honor someone you feel no connection to. But, there may be value in leaving a little room for others to share their memories. You also draw a clear line: that bringing a child into the world without emotional support is wrong.
Many would agree. Just be careful that your belief doesn’t close you off from understanding or peace. You don’t have to change how you feel. But it’s worth asking: is this stance protecting you, or limiting you?
You’re allowed to define your relationship with your past. Just don’t close the door so tightly that you lock yourself out of understanding it, and being at peace with it, if and when you’re ready. Ask Ursula: How to get the Mother’s Day you actually want without feeling guiltyDear Ursula, I have been looking for a signature scent for years. I have spent many hours in the Nordstrom perfume section hunting for something that sparks joy.
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