A reader shares their concern about their sex life becoming routine after decades of marriage. They worry about discussing it with their partner as they fear being seen as a complainer.
Q I would quite like to try new things in bed. We’ve been married for more than 20 years and I’ve gradually come to realize that our sex life is a bit unimaginative.
I didn’t realize how routine things had become until I overheard two women talking in a cafe about incredible sex in a new relationship and I realized I’d never had that. Sex is not unenjoyable, but my husband and I seem to do the same old thing in the same old way.
However, I just don’t know how to talk to him about it. I would feel embarrassed and worry that he would see it as a complaint. A Firstly, be wary of comparing other people’s sex lives to your own because being newly in love can enhance the sexual experience anyway – our emotions are deeply connected to great sex. You say that sex is not unenjoyable which is a good start, as there is something to build on.
When it comes to talking about a difficult subject, there are always two choices: avoid it and know that nothing will change for the next 20 years, or bite the bullet. I’d be surprised if your husband wasn’t delighted at you taking the lead.
Sadly, women often still feel embarrassed or ashamed of their own sexual needs, so perhaps first read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are to help you embrace the sexual side of yourself and give you the confidence to start that conversation
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